#an autistic horse would be like What from my mouth. why.

[coochiekrab]

how do folks in ur furryverse feel about phrases like "from the horses mouth" or "awesome possum"

i think they would think its very awesome possum

[frasermints]

if you want to go more into the utah thing, pls do

okay, so i feel the need to preface all of this with

tij iginla deserved to be drafted high in the first round. i'm glad he went high in the first round. he worked hard to earn the place he was drafted. that being said, i do not think his technical ability is the only reason utah drafted him.

let's take a look at utah's owners.

the smiths are mormon, and follow most standard hypocritical mormon doctrine. they have five children and live in provo. can't find much on ashley but ryan went to business school at BYU provo because his dad worked there before he got cancer and also that's what good little mormon boys are expected to do after they go on their colonizer missions to brown countries.

link to the archived deseret interview, written by the mormon church

he often speaks to church officials about money and tech, since he owns multiple businesses in the tech space and owns four sports franchises. the above link is an interview he did with a mormon elder about allocation of church funds. from the horse's mouth, they admit to hoarding billions of dollars and wanting to convert essentially the entire african continent to mormonism for clout.

now. this is where we get into tij's selection.

if you aren't as autistic about mormon history as i am, tl;dr up until about like pshhh iirc it was like 10 or 15 years ago it was literally like not possible for black mormons to hold positions of power in the church. mormon children were taught that dark skin was a sign of being "cut off from god" (lamanites) and depending on where you lived, that if you weren't white, you wouldn't be able to reach the highest level of heaven (in mormonism there are different tiers of the afterlife - three levels of heaven [celestial, terrestrial, and telestial] and then "outer darkness" which is basically just hell. you can only reach the celestial kingdom if you're the perfect mormon and pretty much anyone goes to the telestial kingdom, even like. rapists and murderers. you go to outer darkness if you defy god to his face basically. mormons are wild. yes i am judging you) which is like beaten into you from birth to be the worst fucking thing in the world because if you don't reach the highest level of glory you're separated from your family in the afterlife, and that would suck! that's what you spent your entire life trying to do! so by default getting denied that simply because you produce more melanin is. rancid!

so. career mormons, as i call them - or mormons that come from long lineages of pre-established mormons, especially utah or texas or idaho mormons (like ryan's family, and i'm going to assume ashley's family) - they very very very often have deep racism beat into them practically since birth. they might not think so, but it's there, and it comes out at the wildest times in the wildest ways. like, i grew up in an area with a LARGE mormon minority. a group of mormons tried to lynch one of my friends as a "joke". they literally tried to fucking lynch him. one of the only black kids in the area. because they thought it was funny, and couldn't conceptualize why that was wrong or why that action - committed by that specific religion, too - carried immense weight.

moving onto the hockey part of the ask.

i stared at coyotes stats for way too long last night.

tij iginla is a left shot forward.

we all know arizona was uhh. not the greatest when they made their exit from the league. tij put up some gorgeous numbers when he finished out this year in the w, and if he does well at development camp i think he does have a very good chance at being a name on the roster. i do.

i don't think he was the smartest choice for them technically, though.

like, come the fuck on.

and like i get that they're. they still have all summer. it's whatever. but out of their thirteen forwards, nine are left shots. they are not hurting for him!!

and like. okay. you could argue like. of those, bh and bo38 are rfa at the end of this season, mc53 and ak15 and mm63 and jm22 are ufa next season, they're practically bled dry for RWs.

and they have signed defensemen since day one of the draft. unsure how td33 is going to do with his injury over the summer, but if he comes back they'll be at the numbers they need.

i still don't think he was the pick utah needed technically. i don't think he was the perfect fit. i think the owners decided for the franchise and were able to justify it well enough with his numbers to themselves and everyone else to make it work, but i really truly deep down think that part of it was "look at us we are a brand new team. we are two perfect people that wear cool youth pastor clothes to fancy pants events. we're so hip and chill, we're going to make this black kid's dreams come true by drafting him higher than his dad. we're going to make him the face of the Utah Hockey Club" and then IMMEDIATELY put him in a fucking jersey that says property of. like that is deranged.

i know from an outsider's perspective this all can seem very reach-y but when you have lived with these people and been inside their minds and been raised inside the culture it is all very very thought out. it's deliberate. everything these people do is intentional. so i really honestly can't see these people doing this for any other reason than to make themselves look good. yes, i think tij is a very talented hockey player that deserved to be drafted high in the first round. but i think he belongs somewhere else, somewhere that will treat him well and somewhere he will be safe. because i guarantee you, he is not safe on that team. not when ryan and ashley smith own it.

[possum-quesadilla]

Chapter seven of Time is a Flat Circle is up and boy oh boy is it a doozy! Here are the extras for this chapter! <3

- This chapter’s title is from “Nobody” by Mitski. She was my rock throughout writing this chapter. If I had less self restraint, the entirety of both of the LoopJuice playlists would be all Mitski. I feel like this song, and the line I chose for the title in particular, really reflect what our sweet little demon wants deep down.

- “Christ on a fuckin’ bike” is taken straight from a coworker’s vernacular.

- “When did I teach him how to summon new clothes?” He did! It was mentioned in passing in a previous chapter that he showed both Adam and Barbara how to conjure new clothes. This is to show how shoddy his memory has gotten.

- “‘Beebleboose’” is, of course, a reference to everyone’s favorite sad puppet show. Also, he can’t even type out his own name due to the curse.

- “.. that erotic Colonel Sanders romance novel..” this is a real thing, unfortunately.

- “The idea of eating brought the bitter taste of bile to the back of his mouth.” One unfortunate possible side affect of burnout is an aversion to food. Everything suddenly seems disgusting, and just the idea of eating sickens you.

- “His lips remained still. It felt as if his whole mouth was coated in cotton.” This is sign of overstimulation I personally experience quite regularly. Your mouth just refuses to work!

- On that same note - a side effect of persistent autistic burnout is significant memory loss and/or brain fog. Hence why Beej forgot (and still continues to sometimes) that the humans can now remember everything.

- “Can I touch you, Bug?” Always ask permission before touching someone who you believe to be having some sort of panic attack or meltdown. Barbara knows to do this due to her experience with Adam!

- “Look at those chompers!” Indeed! Beetlejuice’s teeth are based on that of a spotted hyena, like Adam theorizes later. They have a specialized premolar that can break bone. Here is a pic for reference!

- “How come your tears are black?” It’s actually because they’re mixed with soot from the hellfire in his chest! Beetlejuice’s tears smell like a campfire.

- “Sometimes he still felt like roadkill again.” He has yet to be hit by a car, but he has been trampled by horses.

- “He was a bit taken aback at how curly and.. fluffy his hair had gotten.” They have hair that naturally curls, it’s just been so long since it was clean enough for them to see it. After this point, Beetlejuice’s hair is curly and voluminous! That’s why the other characters find it hard to resist playing with.

- “.. odd rumbling sensation..” Beetlejuice doesn’t know what purring is, or that they do it. They just find the noise embarrassing.

- Adam had a hyperfixation on animals at large when he was young, and spent his free time as a wee tot rereading books of animal facts. This is why he is so knowledgeable and enthused about BJ’s animalistic traits.

- “I met a real foxy witch in a swamp who had an alligator familiar once.” This is a reference to the webcomic Muted, which is about queer witches in New Orleans. Give it a read!

- “C’mon Beej, don’t be like that! You’re, like, the Mike to their Debbie and Dave!” “… what?” “You’re the Gonzo to their Kermit and Miss Piggy!” These are references to my (and Lydia’s) favorite throuple ships in media, besides Beetlands. Mike, Debbie, and Dave are from “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”, and Gonzo, Kermit, and Miss Piggy are, of course, from The Muppets.

- Beetlejuice’s frantic shrimp pocketing is based on another character I deeply relate to, Eleanor Shellstrop from “The Good Place”.

- “‘who in this wide world does not know the great B-” This line is a reference to the musical “Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”, specifically the song “Pretty Women”. I cannot stop the musical references unfortunately

- Ms. Keaton is supposed to be the old woman who tries to bring a pie to the Deetz family in the musical, but her name is, of course, a reference to Michael Keaton, the original actor for Beetlejuice in the Tim Burton film.

- On the surgeries Beetlejuice mentioned - he has gotten top surgery! He is very proud of his top surgery scars. They are not the scars he mentioned being ashamed of in a previous chapter.

- As stated, Lydia is a demigirl! She uses she/they pronouns, and Beetlejuice is nonbinary and uses he/they/it pronouns.

- On the head bumping - Lydia picked it up shortly after Beetlejuice first did it to her. It’s how cats and Beetlejuice show affection. Barbara and Adam are slowly starting to adopt it over time as well.

- Beetlejuice’s horns are, like Adam theorizes, based on a sheep’s. Here is a little sketch of how they used to look, and how they look now! (Also, a peek at his ears. I’m not entirely happy how they came out in the drawing, so this may change.)

- The tail!! Here is a rough drawing of how it looks.

- It is not scaled like a snake, but rather like a possum’s tail. It is prehensile, meaning it can grip things and even support his weight if he used it to hang upside down. It reaches down to about his ankles. The tip shakes like a rattlesnake’s (no noise, though) when he’s nervous or deep in thought, or just as a self-soothing thing. This is based on what my own cat’s tail does when he’s nervous!

- The ear-piercing scene is meant to evoke a similar one in “The Parent Trap”, since it is a sibling bonding scene I really enjoy and find very affective.

- On the demons of their past - each demon’s name is based on a star, like Beetlejuice’s own. They are unafraid to envoke Rigel’s name because he is dead. Deb and Cyrus are nicknames based on their true names, like Beetlejuice and Betelgeuse. I am excited to have Deb and Cyrus to show up in Part 2!

- Beetlejuice’s first marriage was by choice to someone he knew. Their second marriage was an arranged political union.

- Deb is a trans woman!

- “I’ll talk more, just cut it out with the weird… teary eyes!” Not even demons are immune to puppy-dog eyes.

- Beetlejuice’s favorite meal was a bone broth made from meal scraps and various herbs.

- “Chari-sard” Adam was comparing Beetlejuice to a Charizard. Both the demon and the Pokémon have flames that are connected to their life force, and they will die if it ever goes out.

- The whole scene describing Beetlejuice’s favorite meal is based on a similar scene in “Isle of Dogs”, where a stray dog describes the only time he was ever adopted before. He bit a member of his new family so hard he had to be hospitalized, and he doesn’t know why he did it. He says he thinks maybe he was scared. The grandmother of the family brought him a bowl of chili while he was locked in the garden shed, which he says he likes to imagine was for him. He escaped after that and went back to being a stray. This scene strikes a chord with me, and reminds me very deeply of Beetlejuice. He doesn’t understand why he lashes out. He doesn’t want to. He’s not a violent demon. He’s just… scared. (Highly recommend “Isle of Dogs” if you enjoy this fic! It, along with Wes Anderson’s other films, really resonate with me and my experience as an autistic/neurodivergent person. There will be references to “Fantastic Mr. Fox” and “Asteroid City”, as they also greatly influenced how I think and write.)

- Barbara enjoys cooking, as she has a very perceptive palette and likes to experiment. Adam is more adept at baking, because he likes to follow instructions.

- The “shrimps is bugs” hoodie is a real one that one of my good friends has. He is studying etymology.

- “Don’t be suspicious, don’t be suspicious-” this is based off of a popular gag in “Parks and Rec”, one of my favorite shows. (And Adam and Barbara’s! The millennials in my life love a good workplace comedy.)

- “Why couldn’t he just he just grip the spoon the same way he had with his left hand?” Beetlejuice is unaware that dominant and nondominant hands are a thing.

- Like my beloved millennial dad figure, Adam has a deep love for a random movie from the 80’s. I feel like every dad’s got one. His is, of course, “The Terminator”. Arnold Schwarzenegger was his bisexual awakening. All of the factoids he shares about the film are true!

- Finally, the legs! Like his horns, Beetlejuice’s legs resemble that of a sheep’s own back legs. His hooves are cloven, like stated, and his fur is black with brown undertones, like a black cat, or this sheep below! The fur doesn’t grow out much due to stress, but he used to have to shear it often by himself as a child. He probably will have to start doing so again the healthier and happier he gets!

- Nurse Ratched is a villainous nurse from pop culture. Research her with caution, as she does some rather heinous things. Barbara likes true crime!

- A “Texas Switch” is a technique used in filming, and is used in “The Terminator”. My favorite example is in “A Quiet Place Part Two”!

- “Odd, reattached limbs had never healed that quickly before.” That is because they are getting proper care!

- “To distract from the odd little sound they involuntarily made, (seriously, what was that? A chirp?)” It was a trill! Or as I call it, a ‘mrrp’. Some people call it the “cat activation noise”.

- “Some strange show about people working for the government” this is, of course, “Parks and Rec”!

- And that’s it, nothing else happened in this chapter and it ended happily :) (The flashbacks BJ had while having a panic attack are from his mother, Rigel, and Lydia stabbing him, obviously. Yes, all of them stabbing him in some way.)

[sorensolsikke]

Am i a therian? A furry?

People of tumblr, i am gently asking you to help figuring out what the hell is going on

So yeah well

The desire to look non-human accompanies me since such deep from the past that this feeling became the very home, the shelter of my identity.

Yes, of course, i am autistic, i have a paper on it, yes i have ptsd and untreated adhd and i am queer, so i guess wanting to get away from the difficulties of being part of the human society is logical, but like.

Understanding where the feeling comes from shouldn't erase the experience itself.

I recall wanting to growl and purr, moving tail and ears since i was at least two and a half. Of course, i had grown up along many animals, my parents had worked with service dogs, and in one hand, small children learn languages so easily, why would be animals' body language so different? I just got fluent in it– And in the other hand, wanting to have ways for easier self-expression is such a common autistic experience.

But these thoughts lingered, transformed, grew as years passed. Of course i always played with animal toys, or roleplayed the animal company in games with (my very few) friends, but that's not very dramatic, not like other memories linked to the topic, for example.

The very first time i got penalty in school was in the second semester of first grade, when i growled at a girl who bullied me, and then i bit her. That's very strange of a memory, because it made me feel so guilty, so childish, that i didn't let it happen ever again. But that doesn't mean i didn't think about it anymore. When i moved schools and other bullies came and i just couldn't defend myself because of extreme empathy i think, i always imagined myself as a blue dragon, growling and roaring at people. It was, and still is, the easiest way for me to understand my own anger.

What i really feel alone with is that how these fantasies, images became the very pillars of my self-image.

I remember having the idea of wanting to be a dog first, when i was the smallest. I said goodbye to that imaginery when we had to sell my first and only puppy whom i loved dearly, because he was aggressive. I got obsessed with cats instead, then horses, and finally, the perfect mixture of every kind of animal: dragons. Anyone who walks into my room mentions how many dragon related things i have in there. I emphasize that i am 17.

But the reason i started to talk about this all how it forms the way i want to look.

For instance, lately, i've got a long mullett, which i style with a hair straightener in a way it looks like i've got animal ears. While it makes me somehow relieved, at the same time it leaves me with the longing for more.

I want hoop snakebite piercings, so to give the impression of long canines. I cannot stop thinking about this, even though i know very well that my father wouldn't approve it. I just found a really small thing that would make me feel better about myself, and i want to achieve it, quickly, because yk, there are so many things i cannot change.

There are some grotesque ideas in my head how'd i want to look like since i was very little. I've always stepped on tippie toes so to raise my ankle long, up towards my knee, like it is with dogs, cats, horses. I wanted my ears to be pointy, and i crave the black line connecting the eyes with the mouth, what the cheetah's have – therefore i absolutely loved face painting from a very young age. I've always wanted wings and tail, long tongue, and defined muscles; a bunch of these are somehow managable, but others are so distant. It doesn't usually hurt me, like not having a dick hurts me on some masculine days, but the cravings are there, and i think about them a lot.

What i want to ask is: what does it make me be? Am i a furry with a dragon fursona? Am i a therian, am i experiencing some kind of species dysphoria? I know labels aren't quite needed, but is there anyone sharing my experience? Where are my people? Dunno i guess i just don't really want to be alone.

[clarajohnson]

the magicians s2e1

i so enjoy seeing quentin coldwater in peril

fucking random ass candy house that'll never come back into play

it's a little hard to kill me at the moment :-(

jesus the way he says "thank god, alice" is really kind of devastating he's so transparent sometimes

margo is ruthless she's my best friend in the entire world

sometimes they say things in ways that are so much, like, you know they're lines of dialogue. like "wellspring smoothies," nobody would say that. i love tv :-)

not enough being done about PENNY'S MISSING HANDS

WE MIGHT BE COMIC RELIEF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i always hesitate to give this show any credit because it is 90% loose ends but i do like the beast choosing to talk business with julia at a... discovery zone? a chuck e cheese? because he's in kind of insanely malformed arrested development

FENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

she is immediately a character man i like fen so much

"oh my god those horses are so beautiful. i just really love horses." and that's why she is my babyest best girl ever ever ever ever ever

love el's flower spell. i feel like some aspects really kick up quickly in season 2, for example, the magic becomes much more interesting!

sorry i really like julia this season she's awful and justified

the beast is reminding me very very much of hannibal lecter this watch. sixth finger nice suit etc.

river watch guy why do i get a bad feeling about him what don't i remember

ah but i did forget that she really did sew his hands back on. so much private brutality goes on in this show.

it's a good point penny that IS a natural resource on public property

sorry but i do not believe at all that margo could be cowed by an asshole like that i actually find it kind of insulting

el's smile when margo calls high queen I WILL CRY

is everybody excited to cry during this coronation :-) i'm excited for the crying :-)

i love fillorian royalty nineties trivia "dude that is crazy vague"

alice and margo both know "hold on" by wilson phillips because they are romantic soulmates

quentin playing with the straps of his backpack... kiss me on the mouth autistic boy

did anybody else get kind of flustered when eliot did the dirty dancing monologue. like other than alice who was clearly really flustered.

sorry but it's so so so fucking significant that q is the one to crown el and i love how immediately el cries and i love destiny is bullshit and i think it's so beautiful and i love it and i do not love "the spectacular" because to make eliot's life's purpose into spectacle discomfits me but i also love very much "this feels as natural as underwear" AND I ALSO LOVE the way he is so happy and proud of margo, the way everything they say to each other is public but also encrypted so only they can understand it completely and i love the moment he crowns alice and they come to sort of an understanding, this common ground, the way he doesn't love her but cares about her, also the fact that margo asks to crown q in a moment of "cleaning slates" and that she can see him so clearly, they're an underrated dynamic and i will always love king quentin the moderately socially maladjusted because to margo the important things couldn't ever be public they should never be known to others, your public title can be a joke so the deep lovey stuff can be kept sacred between friends. THIS IS THE SCENE OF ALL TIME.

royalty, bitches

i'm happy that alice gets to do extraordinary magic yk

well we don't have to work very hard to understand what they're saying by making alice not only pluck an apple from a tree but grow the tree herself

idk if i believe that julia would even consider voluntarily shedding her shade

tick pickwick my best frenemy tick pickwick

i'm glad we made it to the castle i love whitespire

sometimes the show makes jokes that make me believe they hadn't planned very far ahead because "spells for trapping tomato-eating garden fairies" does not make me believe they had the idea of actual magicians fairies yet

i would like to be known as... the champagne king

quentin is leaning against that doorframe as flirtily as he can manage

i think you should probably hug me right now :-( i'll also be okay if you just give my ass like a liiiittle squeeze :-)

[kisshuggay]

I posted 1,574 times in 2022

That's 440 more posts than 2021!

20 posts created (1%)

1,554 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@reaperlight

@eraseorzero

@dragonsareawesome123

@the-mad-prince-of-denmark

@tinyriver-neonlights

I tagged 110 of my posts in 2022

#the ssum - 13 posts

#dracula daily - 8 posts

#the ssum spoiler - 7 posts

#the ssum forbidden lab - 7 posts

#invader zim - 4 posts

#mysme - 4 posts

#it's so cute - 3 posts

#i love this - 3 posts

#goncharev - 3 posts

#cute - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 115 characters

#but for some folks that's not realistic and rainbow capitalism is a sneaky way to be able to buy a couple of things

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Does anyone else after just playing a couple of days of Harry's route think oh he's not weird he's just autistic

Because he literally says he doesn't understand social cues

He really seems to struggle with eye contact

He has to have things a certain way

He wears his horse mask almost like a comfort item when he's afraid

And several other things that I as an autistic person are really relating to. I don't know I hope this doesn't start any unnecessary drama or anything.

26 notes - Posted December 2, 2022

#4

Y'all I know why Teo takes so long to respond sometimes.

It's going to sound dumb, but hear me out,,, it's to make things feel more realistic. Like (spoiler for day 5) when he gets out of the hospital and had lunch in between each thing he eats he's gone for a bit. That's because it's supposed to feel like he's real. That way you can go about your day too and get small joys when you do get a message from him.

I know it's inconvenient but that's my current theory.

31 notes - Posted August 21, 2022

#3

Spoiler for the ssum I've been playing around with the app and the time travel machine and each day has a title to it this was the title for some of the days that I've seen please only look at these images if you are ready for spoilers but I'm just going to say it we were right things get dark

See the full post

41 notes - Posted August 17, 2022

#2

Today's( May 28th )Daily Dracula; I had so many emotions while reading. Even though it was a generally short entry, I've already read Dracula a few times before and knew what was coming. I felt upset by the language and depiction of the Romani people... And that I would make a post all on its own

But also I felt so much hope when Jonathan said that his messages would get out to Mina and to his boss

l gasped in horror and covered my mouth when the count revealed that he had intercepted the messages

This is just a reminder that I've read this book a few times before, and I knew exactly what was coming, but reading this in small pieces has given me such joy and allowed me to feel all of the tiny emotions once again that you might skip over when you're reading a novel as a long piece of literature

48 notes - Posted May 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Yo I'm doing some snooping on the app because go figure I can't sleep... I'm too damn excited and I just found this while poking around on the time machine thingy

145 notes - Posted August 17, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[thevaudevilledemon]

I always knew I would have to tell him sometime, the fact that I knew. It feels horrible to admit, but his stammering explanations are just really cute. I kind of always figured he was a Fae, pumpkin hair, emerald eyes, monstrous sweet-tooth, none of it uncommon, but there was always something about him, the way he always snuggled with the cat, they way he joked around. It was around February or so that I began to know for sure.

I work with animals, all kinds, wild animals, pets, farm animals, zoo animals, that is where he and I met. I was called out to a horse ranch, they came across a horse that was in desperate need of care, so as soon as they brought it to their ranch, they gave me a call. We went down together, he loves horses, and while I was getting the shots prepared, the ranch hands were doing their duties, trimming the mane, shearing the coat, and taking off the old horseshoes. One hand made the mistake of handing the horseshoe to my boyfriend, and as he reached out without thinking, the only thing I heard out of his mouth was a loud "YOW!".

It was so loud, it spooked the poor horse, but like I said, my boyfriend loves horses, so he managed to calm the beast down. Almost as though he could speak to the horse directly. I remember him talking a lot about horses, proper care, proper diet, what kind of horses are good for what kind of task or activity or location, the way his face lit up every time he talked about horses, his enthusiasm, I always thought he was autistic, but I guess even the Fae have neurodivergencies. I don't know if it was the reaction to the iron, or the talking to the horse that confirmed he was Fae to me, but after that day, I always knew, and he didn't want to admit it. I remember on the way home, he told me he had a rare allergy to rust, not even to iron, just to rust. When I asked him about the horse, he said he was good with horses. We left it at that, I wasn't upset with him, I mean, it took Clark Kent a long time to admit to Lois who he really was, and when he was ready, he would open up to me.

Every now and again, something would happen that proved once more he was of the Fae, and he would always say something to try and hand-wave it aside. In March, we went to the Children's Farm, so we could see the newly arrived baby animals, piglets, ducklings, lambs, and the ones I was most excited to see, the goats. My boyfriend just stood outside of the goat pen, and when a goat would wander near him, he leaned back, as though trying to discreetly gain distance from it. He almost jumped into the turkey pen when one of the goats bleated at him. A part of m wanted to chuckle, but the part of me that loved him won out, and I left the goat pen and asked him if he was okay. He said he was fine after a few deep breaths, and said I could return to the goat pen. I washed my hands and suggested we go for ice cream, there was a Drive-in just a bit down the road from the children's farm, we could walk there. On the way, I asked him why he was afraid of goats, he was kind surprised I noticed, and he said that when he was a kid, a goat ate one of his toys. I suppressed a chuckle.

Earlier this month, his parents paid him a visit, and we decided to go out for lunch, I could meet his parents, they could meet me, we'd have a lovely afternoon. We went to a small café, we all had cucumber sandwiches and lemonade. My boyfriend and his parents drank their lemonades in a matter of seconds. I was admittedly, a little impressed. His father was about to say something, but my boyfriend cut him off and just said, "It's a warm day, and we're really thirsty." His parents looked at him with inquisitive looks, and he just shook his head, in a quick was as though he was trying to shake something out of his hair. We got a bunch of pastries, a lot of berries that weren't in season, but delicious none-the less. My boyfriend and I shared in the black currant pastries, his parents enjoyed the raspberry muffins, I had a pain-au-chocolat, my boyfriend liked the lemon loaf, and we all indulged in the strawberry tarts like no tomorrow, all of them vegan. My boyfriend was very vegan, but he never demanded me to be, so I never really minded.

After lunch, I made the comment about my boyfriend's sweet-tooth, and now seeing where he got it from. His father started to say something, but after he said "You know us", my boyfriend nudged him with his elbow and pressed his lips. His father chuckled a little and then looked away awkwardly. A few weeks have passed, and they're thinking about coming over again in May... should I talk to my boyfriend? About how I am guessing he is a Fae, and that I'm okay with it? The ways he's tried to hide it is cute, but I want him to know that I love him no matter what, and that he can trust me.

Your partner is trying to hide their nonhuman nature. You figured it out months ago but play along because you find their antics amusing.

[soulvomit]

I feel like one of the things that made me think more ADHD, and why I didn't "seem autistic," was being streetwise. There is an older, probably dead horse narrative of the (male) ADHD kid that's got very, very different optics from the narrative of the ASD kid: the kid who can talk their way out of anything and can think on their feet, and sometimes gets in trouble because of mouthing off to adults, but they're nobody's fool. This stereotype isn't seen as sexually inept, they might even be promiscuous. This is a dropout, a cut up, a class clown, someone who could've been a doctor but got a blue collar job. I don't know how true this is of ADHD kids in general, but it's a very different stereotype from ASD kids. It also seems to be an older trope before ADHD was really seen as being that debilitating, and also ADHD coding had a huge amount of normie-cool imagery in the 90s. You didn't think it contradictory for an ADHD person to be a smart-mouthed streetwise dude who was probably drowning in ass and had a cool leather jacket. ADHD boys were the manic pixie dream girls of the 90s.

Thing is, I don't even remember being naive. My parents wouldn't let me be. They wanted me to know early on that some people did survival sex work. Finally, they dragged me into their bohemian nerd world kicking and screaming, my mom wanted me to become an advanced reader so she could nerd out about Steinbeck to me, my dad got me into computers and sci fi. I also got this early education about the pogroms, the Holocaust, and native residential schools like the one grandpa was in. Grandpa would tell his sailing stories when we saw him. My parents were into all kinds of weird esoterica and had people over to play folk music. We were atheists.

We lived in shit neighborhoods, so:

You knew that you walked down some streets and not others. That you didn't wear particular things. That girls needed to stay inside unless they could find a group of girls, because boys roamed the streets in packs.

You knew what not to say to social workers and school counselors. You knew the street names for drugs because your parents wanted to know what was going on in your world and they were concerned and involved. You knew about Stranger Danger, and you also grew up watching the news and Phil Donahue.

I was good at navigating the *adult* world relative to my age, I started working early, etc.

Sometimes I feel like there is no yardstick for what ND adults' lives even look like if they're not at least middle class normie WASPs

[cassiabaggins]

Understanding

A/N: This is my first Fili x reader fic, so please be nice! It’s adapted from a scene between Fili and my oc that I never used in my original story but still wanted to share. I hope you all enjoy and please reblog and leave a comment if you can!

Warnings: descriptions of an approaching meltdown that never happens

Wordcount: 1395  | Pairing: Fili x Autistic Fem!Reader

Summary: The Company stops at an inn one night, and you find it exhausting and overwhelming

Tags: @beenovel @rowandor @claraofthepen @annkdarar @curiosityunsated @myrin1234 @guardianofrivendell @frogmuttforever @swillowraven @lexdrillo @clownkid246 @classynerdchick @anjhope1 @legolaslovely 

"There's a town about three miles ahead," Balin says, peering at his map. "We could stop there for the night, resupply."

Thorin strokes his beard. "Aye, that sounds good." He calls the change of plans back to the Company, and you frown. You aren't the biggest fan of towns, they always end up being exhausting and loud. Overwhelming. But the plans are final, and everyone else seems delighted by the turn of events. You sigh, and resign yourself to an exhausting evening.

.

The town is just as bustling and loud as you feared, carts and people and horses rushing here and there, shouts ringing out from a marketplace. A dog sprints through the legs of your mount, causing her to startle. You steady her, the suddenness of the event causing your heart to race. You can't wait to get inside the inn��� but inside turns out to be just as bad. The cacophony coming from the bar area is physical to you, slamming against your ears, and once the fifteen of you venture into the crowd, it quickly becomes too much. You clap your hands over your ears and let out a panicked little sound as some stranger jostles you. You aren't paying attention to the others as Thorin negotiates for room and board, just concentrating on staying calm. 

You all sit down at a corner table, waiting for the rooms to be readied. You rest your head on the cool wood, trying to relax. A warm hand lands on your elbow and you look over at Fili. His lips are moving, but you really can't hear him. You glance briefly up at his eyes, look back down at his chin, and shrug to show you haven't a clue what he's said. His lips curve into a frown. He turns to Thorin and they exchange words and a small object, and then Fili takes your elbow and gives a little tug. He leads you out of the crowd and up the stairwell to the second floor of the inn, out of the crowd and noise. He stops before a door and turns to you and you take your hands off your ears. "Sure was loud down there," he says, holding up a key and unlocking the door. "I suppose you want to turn in early?"

Your heart warms at his kindness. "I do. I dislike crowds."

He grins at you. "Me too. They make my skin crawl."

"So many people, all yelling? Please no!" You say with exaggerated horror. Fili laughs and holds out the key. 

"Here. Turn in for the night. The barmaid said they drew us all baths, as well. She said it was all ready for you. I also asked for them to bring you up a meal."

You open your mouth to reply but are interrupted by the rest of the Company trooping past. Kili comes over and slings his arm around Fili's neck.

"Fili! After cleaning up Uncle said we could have some fun! The bar is open all night!"

Fili pushes off Kili's arm. "Stop," he says bluntly. "I don't want to be touched right now."

Kili takes the command with grace. "Sorry," he says. "But will you come down and have a drink with me? You're invited as well, Y/N!" He adds with a grin to you. 

"Not tonight, Kili," you reply. "I think I'll just turn in." You can feel your exhaustion making everything around you feel overwhelming, but are trying to stay civil. It's not his fault. 

Kili looks disappointed, but turns his attention to his brother as you slip into your room and shut the door. 

It's dark and quiet inside, a peaceful respite from the rest of the world. You survey the room, getting your bearings before entering further. An oil lamp burns on a low table near the bed immediately across from you, a window above the headboard. A chest of drawers is pushed against the wall to the left of the door with a small mirror hanging above it. A room divider separates a corner of the room, near a crackling fireplace. You can see the edge of a bathing tub around the three sectioned divider. You quickly lock the door and drop the key on the dresser, placing your pack on the bed and peeking around the divider. The bath is full to the brim with clean, steaming water, a bar of soap and a bottle of hair oil on a low table beside it, along with a pitcher, a clean cloth, and a towel. 

Your companions will either have to use the city's public cold baths or take turns for a warm one but you… you get the luxury immediately. You strip down quickly and hop into the tub, sinking down into the warm water. 

You take your time getting clean, relaxing in the silence, before the water begins to go cold. You step out of the tub, dry off, and dress. The bed looks beyond inviting, the soft sheets, the plush pillows… you're mere seconds away from diving in and falling asleep, when a knock sounds on your door. 

It's a polite knock, but somehow the most grating noise you've ever heard, like a thunderclap in the quiet room. You grit your teeth against the urge to scream "go away!" and move to the door. Upon opening it, you're immediately grateful you didn't yell, as Fili is standing outside with a tray of food. 

"Sorry to bother you," he says immediately. "I was just bringing you supper."

You look down at the tray. It's piled high with food, seeming to be two of everything. "I can't eat all that," you say. 

"I know," he replies. "Half of its mine. Can I hide from Kili with you?"

"Why?" 

"He's trying to get me to come down to the tavern and I really, really don't want to. It's so loud and exhausting down there and all I really want right now is a quiet night. He even likes the commotion and doesn't understand that I just need to get away from it right now!"

He sounds genuinely distressed and you get the feeling this is a common argument between the brothers. While you too want a quiet night, you take pity on Fili and open the door wider. "Come in."

The smile he responds with his blinding. 

Luckily, Fili is probably the least exhausting person to spend time with. He's quiet and predictable and doesn't ask exhausting questions as most of the Company tends to do. He doesn't say much, setting the food out on the rug before the fire as you sit on a pillow and watch him. Finally he sits down and holds a buttered roll out to you. You take it gratefully and you eat together in relative silence, broken only by the occasional "can you pass that?" There's a quiet camaraderie in the activity. 

"Kili can be exhausting," you say between sips of wine at the very end of the meal. Fili nods in agreement, tugging absently on one of his mustache braids.

"He can."

"They all can," you add. 

Fili nods again. "It's hard to make people understand when I need quiet time," he says. "When I was younger I would always cry and scream when it got too overwhelming."

"Me too!" You say enthusiastically, sitting up straighter. "Sometimes it's as if everything is too much and I just need to yell! But I can't because I'm an adult."

He looks over at you. "Exactly! I know exactly what you mean!"

"Sometimes, things are hard for me to handle," you continue, "even little things. And then I cry about them. Do you ever feel like that?"

He nods. "Yes. I do." He meets your eyes. "I've never��� I've never told anyone that before," he admits.

"Not even Kili?"

Fili waves his hand dismissively. "He already knows. But he doesn't understand. You do."

You smile and scoot closer to him. "I do. I suppose we're more alike than we thought." Suddenly overwhelmed with affection for him, you lean over and press your head against his shoulder in affection. He presses back, seeming to understand. "I like you, Fili," you say.

"I like you, too," he replies happily and the two of you lapse into a peaceful silence, secure and happy in your understanding of each other.

[motorclit]

I know for a fact that my parents would spend more time defending why they did what they did than actually apologizing and realizing it was a mistake to do this shit.

My parents were actually awesome until my dad became disabled at his job (steel worker) and we became impoverished ever since. Suddenly, parenthood was a chore and it's challenges were an inconvenience. But how my parents (mainly mom) saw us just before dad got hurt at the mill, it kinda got stuck that way. Mom saw my brother as the baby and coddled him forever. I was the annoying, unruly child that needed attention but neither of my parents wanted to sacrifice free time to give it. Any questions I asked, I mainly got condescending answers or I got yelled at for not leaving them alone.

If I became especially uncooperative, my ass was beat. My brother and I quickly learned through example that if you're mad, you hit people. So when we fought, it was almost always physical. And somehow my parents didn't understand that?

My brother sp.ehow got all the attention though because he was sensitive, but I caught all the shit because I was "a difficult child" and a "disobedient brat" and not in character with what you would expect for a girl. My brother and I were both Autistic children, but because it was okay for a boy to be quirky and not a girl, I caught the most shit as if I was being different and difficult on purpose.

If he got bullied, he got help. Mom was at that school damn near foaming at the mouth. But me? Oh, I asked for it. Shouldn't have said I liked Barney or Donkey Kong or Pokémon. Should've acted normal.

I also talked back. A lot. I fought back with logic and got punished for it, be it by teachers and given time-outs or detention, or I got my ass beat at home.

I was largely ignored by my parents (so was my brother). They were too exhausted with new challenges in life they never recovered from, so I spent my childhood watching a fuck ton of tapes and what few TV shows I had time to watch if my parents or brother didn't have the TV. They didn't really play with us except for a couple of SNES games (and dad only ever played a game or two on the N64 with my brother). They never bothered to bond with me, unless you count mom trying to get me into horses like she is (nope, I was a wild animal and dinosaur kid and she didn't care about that).

Closest bonding I had with dad was watching cartoons with him. That's about it. I can't count going to Blockbuster because he would drop me and my brother off there while he went into Kroger, then we went to Burger King and that was our Friday every weekend.

So thanks to my parents filling my childhood with barely any bonding and lots of screaming, yelling, and hitting, I've got abandonment issues. 🙃 It's to a point thay I still, to this day, have no goddamn idea what to do with the positive attention I get from my muž. I genuinely have no idea. And I find it so hard to keep friends or maintain friendships that I just expect everyone, including my muž, to secretly hate me.

I tried seeing a counselor to see a therapist, but that bitch wanted to make bank off my insurance and ignored my statements of health issues and tried to diagnose me with an eating disorder and send me for treatment. So... I don't know if I can ever get any sort of therapy in life.

Babyboomers, man... They kinda suck as parents.

Things people label as abuse when it's done to a partner that parents somehow get away with

Hitting/spanking. Abusive/toxic when it's a partner but fair discipline when it's a child.

No privacy (no privacy = going through their phone, tracking their location, attending therapy appointments, etc.). Abusive/toxic when it's a partner but good parenting when it's a teenager.

Emotional neglect. Abusive/toxic when it's a partner but "not the parents' fault" when it's a child.

Overworking them. Abusive/toxic when it's a partner but earning their keep when it's a child.

Doing things to purposely make them cry. Abusive/toxic when it's a partner but hilarious when it's a kid.

Breaking their stuff/deleting video game progress. Abusive/toxic when it's a partner but fair discipline when it's a child.

Forcing affection when they don't want to. Abusive/toxic when it's a partner but teaching them good manners when it's a child.

Locking them in a room that they can't escape. Abusive/toxic when it's a partner but "they've got to learn one way or another" if it's a child.

Expecting them to suppress their emotions. Abusive/toxic if it's a partner but teaching them to be mature if it's a child.

Getting angry when they ask a question/challenge your logic/need clarification. Abusive/toxic if it's a partner but teaching them to not talk back if it's a child.

Not letting them eat anything unless it's what you put in front of them (that includes not letting them get anything for themselves). Abusive/toxic when it's a partner but teaching them to be grateful if it's a child.

If you've ever labeled any of these things as abuse when an adult opens up about their experiences but will defend parents who do the same thing, you need to reevaluate yourself.

DNI: Narcissistic/Borderline/Anti-social/Histrionic abuse believers, fakeclaimers, pro ana/thinspo/meanspo + blogs that are predominantly about eating disorders (excluding recovery blogs).

[archangeltwins]

me, having a moment and realizing i was autistic in my childhood before i knew what autism really was: O H

stimming?

• parents had kiddo me shoved between two massive piles of necessities needed for a beach trip so i was probs very uncomfortable and irritated. also couldn't use my hands or verbalize my anger. i asked for a wooden spoon and hit myself in the head with it until they had to take it away

• swaying / rocking in seat

• switching from foot to foot was also a thing

• whistling / humming constantly

• pencil-tapping, leg-bouncing, knuckle-cracking

• chewing on pencil erasers, straws, hoodie strings, and the inside of my mouth ( so many dentist comments )

• pulling and pushing the straw against the cup top plastic to make that unhinged nightmarish squeak / squeal

my first hyperfixations?

• angels >_>

• realizing i was the horse / dragon / wolf kid

• childhood? land before time, the little mermaid, hercules, and toy story. i wore those vhs tapes out until film faded and the cassette plastic broke. and even when they were replaced they weren't "my" vhs tapes

• i had both a woody and jessie plush i'd take EVERYWHERE

• that barnyard spinny-wheel toy that made the animal noises. i would listen for hours / repeat the sounds ( echolalia )

• marine biology. meteorology. entomology. geology. 'nuff said.

• anything SUPERNATURAL and / or MYTHOLOGY-RELATED because i was the "weird" kid / always felt "othered" and didn't quite fit in

social interaction / way the world worked?

• religion never stuck bc why believe the words of old men in an old book that doesn't translate well to the modern era, is used to promote hate, misogny, bigotry, bullying, and most "lessons" were just fantasy??? >_>

• always felt way out of sync with my peers concerning small talk and fake surface-level fads

• trying to escape the confines of the school cafeteria and all that noise bc overstim & sensory input? heading to the library

• sitting alone at lunch bc thoughts werealwaysclutteredlikethis and also was super ostracized bc i didn't "like to talk"

• audio processing was a pain bc i'm mostly a visual learner

• had a handful of other ( now best ) friends who i found out were also hella proudly neurodivergent

• understanding sarcasm but hating when it's used against me belittlingly

• unflinching sense of telling the truth ( bluntly ): i'd punish myself for wrongdoings before parents had a chance to do so ( eg. giving up my phone, ds, gameboy, etc and placing them in my parents' room )

[autistic-beshelar]

Neurodivergent Link Headcanons (BOTW)

Here are... my headcanons for ND Link! I’ve tried to put them in fairly concise bullet points so hopefully they make sense. A lot of the autistic/adhd traits overlap, but I’ve put them in separate sections just to try and make this easier to read 

Headcanons under the cut!

Autism:

 - sensory seeking! Link needs constant stimulation and his preferred sensory input is touch, whether it’s rubbing his palms over tree bark or smushing his face in soft pillows. Auditory and visual stimulation are good too, but he’s very, very tactile. Of course taste is another big thing for him, he loves cooking and trying out new food and exploring different tastes, whether it’s sweet or spicy or sour, the stronger the better.

- he stims. SO MUCH. he has so many stims that I’m going to make a separate post to include all of them, but the main ones are rocking and flapping his hands.

- very good with gross motor skills, generally good with fine motor skills but there are a select few he struggles with - he has very poor handwriting, has to focus tying shoelaces, struggles washing his hair, overestimates how hard he’s brushing his teeth and makes his gums bleed

- poor interoception. Has a hard time telling when he’s hungry, or tired, or in pain. Sometimes he will walk around with an injury and not realise until he sees blood. Finds it hard to recognise negative sensations and his body tends to just interpret them as discomfort.

- very good at recognising and deciphering expressions and body language, but not particularly good at (or interested in) emulating it. He’s very astute and can pick up on microexpressions and hidden glances and the like, and can work out people’s true feelings or motivations, but in a social context he’s not necessarily good at responding to it.

- easily picks up on small details and notices things others don’t - this can be related to the former point, but also just in general. Also very good at pattern recognition which lends itself well to solving shrines.

- nonverbal. Mostly uses sign to communicate, or noises (usually with animals or people he’s comfortable with). Can occasionally manage to speak in short bursts when he has to, but it’s few words and usually stuttered, and if he gets at all stressed (which he often does if he’s forced to talk) he won’t be able to say much of anything. He can talk a little around Sidon and Zelda, they’re pretty much the only he feels comfortable enough to be verbal with, and they understand the way he talks and are patient when he’s slow or gets words mixed up.

- difficulty with eye contact. Either too little or too much, though usually it’s the former. He only tends to stare at people if he likes them, or if he’s angry with them or trying to make them uncomfortable

- echo echo lalia. Loves to repeat fun noises, especially animal noises, but sometimes words (sees a dog and just goes doggy doggy doggy doggy doggy for the next hour). He does this with sign as well, but tends to prefer making fun mouth sounds

- special interests in food and horses! Those twins at the stable were right. That’s all that’s on his mind. Food and horses. He really loves trying out new ingredient combinations and exploring different tastes. And he knows a great many horse facts. 

- forms connections with animals more easily than with people. This is partly because when he first left the Shrine of Resurrection he was alone in the wilderness, and partly because he doesn’t really talk, but it’s also just an autism thing. People are friendly to him, but he doesn’t tend to form deep connections with them like he does with animals.

- can tell the time by the position of the sun in the sky but can’t read a clock. What are those numbers on the slate. It’s a mystery!

- has mild visual processing issues, mostly struggles to focus on things like screens or pages, things look blurry or strangely coloured, or have a weird overlay.

ADHD:

- inattentive AND hyperactive AND impulsive, a triple threat

- gets the Zoomies. Often ends up conking out afterwards. Will run around chasing frogs all day and then just fall asleep in the middle of a field

- Can’t Stay Still. Has To Bounce Leg.

- nonexistent sleep schedule. Granted, he doesn’t sleep well or regularly what with travelling all over Hyrule, but even without that his sleep would be terrible

- sometimes zones out in the middle of a conversation. Good luck guessing whether he’s having a seizure or if he’s just thinking really hard about jellyfish

- alternatively, he will hyperfocus. Very good at hyperfocusing on shrines, or anything that involves challenges. Also good at hyperfocusing on physical activities.

- executive functioning… what’s that. Link doesn’t know. Link can’t organise to save his life and honestly thank god for the sheikah slate because without it he’d be screwed. Cannot schedule, cannot plan, cannot organise. 

- thrillseeking!!! He gets easily understimulated and needs adrenaline to survive. Will do anything remotely dangerous for fun and profit. 

- often thinks very quickly, usually jumping quickly from one thing to the next, but only about certain subjects (usually related to animals, nature, food, chaotic activities) and usually when he’s full of adrenaline. Although other times, especially when he’s tired, it’s just. Dial up noises. Head empty

- focus juice… for mentally taxing activites? Nonexistent.

Expressive language disorder:

(It used to be separated into receptive language disorder, expressive language disorder, or mixed, but these days it’s lumped together into developmental language disorder. However I use expressive language disorder for link because he specifically only has problems with expressive language (forming his own words) and not receptive language (understanding other people’s words)).

- gets words in the wrong order

- sometimes replaces a word with something else, especially if the signs are similar

- has difficulty with tenses (more so in verbal speech)

- often misses out words completely

- has quite a large vocabulary, but struggles with word recall. Will sometimes remember the word he meant to use hours later

- often flaps his hands in an attempt to remember a word, if he can’t think of it he will try to find an alternative

- c a n n o t  s p e l l. Sometimes when he doesn’t know the sign for something, he’ll try to fingerspell it, but if the word is hard to spell he’ll try and find an alternative

- finds sign much easier than spoken language, because its grammatical structure (particularly how it uses tenses and combines language with muscle memory) is simpler to use for him, and because it’s so expressive he finds it easier to get his point across

- his language disorder is a part of why he’s nonverbal (as well as that he has a bit of a stutter), so signing in general is just much easier, though not everyone knows sign, and he isn’t fluent himself.

Epilepsy: 

- has temporal lobe epilepsy

- mostly gets absence seizures and focal seizures

- absence seizures (essentially his brain ‘switching off’) are his more common ones. They usually only last a couple of seconds, and tend to look like he’s just distracted or zoning out (which he also does because of ADHD), though sometimes his eyelids will flicker, or if he’s walking or doing something he’ll suddenly stop, and go back to it like nothing happened. He isn’t aware of them at all. If they happen during something like a conversation with someone, he’ll just dismiss it as being distracted, though he does start to notice when he has longer absences and misses whole sentences, or has clusters of absences.

- focal aware seizures (auras) usually present as deja-vu, intense fear, or out of body feelings. He doesn’t realise they’re seizures for a while, since he experiences these anyway, and attributes the deja-vu to the memory loss, but eventually learns to tell them apart because his auras tend to come on very suddenly, though they can last a while

- he also gets focal impaired awareness ones, which tend to happen more when he’s very tired, especially when waking up/going to sleep. When he gets auras he’s still completely aware of his surroundings (and usually doesn’t have trouble moving, unless it’s a particularly bad one), but with impaired awareness he gets drowsy and confused, and won’t understand what people are saying

- usually his focal seizures stay just that, but sometimes they will become tonic-clonic seizures. This is usually only when he’s exhausted/injured/extremely stressed/otherwise worn down. Most of the time his auras come on soon enough to warn him he might have a worse seizure, so he can go somewhere safe (at least, once he realises he’s epileptic

- they’re arguably the mildest, but his absence seizures at the most dangerous, even though they’re usually short, because he gets no warning for them. He usually gets them a couple of times a day (especially waking up/going to sleep), but he gets them more frequently if he’s very tired, and if he gets absence clusters it makes it really hard to do anything.

- his main triggers are sleep deprivation, missing meals, extreme stress, and extreme heat. Which is unfortunate considering he spends his time running around Hyrule on no sleep and forgets to eat all the time.

in conclusion link is neurodivergent and i love him. thank u for ur time pls feel free to comment ur opinions and headcanons etc 

[let-the-dream-begin]

In My Daughter’s Eyes Chapter 4: The Past Can Hurt

Chapter 3

Read on AO3

Claire peeked at the rear view mirror again, and smiled again at the sight of her happy daughter. Faith's favorite "reward meal" was McDonald's. Claire had pinky-promised that if she was a good girl with the horses today, they would get McDonald's for dinner on the way home. She was contentedly waving around the Minion toy that had come in the happy meal, humming and kicking her little legs. Claire had both of their meals on the passenger seat, knowing full well that her daughter would make quite the mess if she let her eat in the car. So would Claire, to be frank.

Claire had made it abundantly clear how proud she was of Faith, had reminded her several times already how she'd been such a good girl. Whether this made Faith happy to hear, or she was simply still in the afterglow of petting a horse, was anyone's guess. Claire hoped Faith could see, could truly understand how happy her mother was. She supposed if she said it enough it might sink in, if it hadn't already.

Back at home, the moment Claire unbuckled Faith from her carseat, she insisted on carrying her meal in herself, to which Claire was more than happy to oblige. She watched, amused, as Faith scampered up the steps to their front door, waiting rather impatiently for her mother to catch up. This was something that Faith had done whenever they'd arrived at their home in Oxfordshire: squirm out of Claire's grip and bolt to the porch, rocking on her heels or bouncing while she waited for the door to open. As Claire pushed the key into the lock, her heart felt a little lighter.

She already feels like this is her home.

Faith immediately scampered inside and right to the kitchen, and by the time Claire got the door shut, stuffed horse onto the couch, and shoes off, Faith was already halfway through her chicken nuggets, sitting up on her knees at the kitchen table. Claire shook her head, laughing.

"You are certainly in a good mood, aren't you, darling?" She ruffled her curly hair and sat down across from her, opening her own paper bag, pulling out her burger and french fries. The teenager at the drive-thru had been quite bewildered when she'd asked for crisps. Such strange lingo these Americans used.

Faith was finished eating before Claire was even halfway through her burger, and she slid off her chair and reached for the chocolate shake that Claire put on the counter to be out of her reach until she finished. Claire sprung out of her seat to grab it herself before Faith could cause it to topple and make a mess.

"Let Mummy help, Faith," Claire said, frantically. "You have to ask for help..." Claire sighed in defeat, handing over the milkshake. She sat back down as Faith settled in again, knowing better than to leave the kitchen with food of any kind. Claire watched her little cheeks hollow out as she guzzled down the liquid, her honey eyes light with joy.

Faith's being nonverbal was not as much of an issue as it could have been, but it was an issue nonetheless. The worst of it was when she was clearly distraught and could not communicate the source of her distress. Had she made a mess of her chocolate shake due to her inability to ask for help, it would have been quite the inconvenience, but Claire supposed mealtime could have gone much worse. Claire knew her daughter by now, better than Claire even knew herself. She'd become accustomed to the various grunts and whines, associating meaning to each different sound over the years. She supposed, however, that this would not be a sufficient way to communicate to a teacher someday, or Mrs. Lickett when Claire was no longer able to stay home with them.

Claire's anxiety lessened a bit at the thought of the woman; Mrs. Lickett was certified to teach American Sign Language to nonverbal autistic children, and she promised Claire she'd have Faith doing basic signs by the time she was ready to start school, whenever that may be.

Then she remembered how close they'd come to a meltdown in the stable, and how easily Jamie had calmed her, how proud he'd been to introduce the horse to her as a reward, how happy it had made Faith. Claire's heart swelled for perhaps the hundredth time since they'd left. The sound of slurping filled the room as Faith reached the end of her milkshake.

"All done, lovie?" Faith took her mouth off the straw and smiled contentedly at her mother. "Clean up now, Faith. Garbage in the bin, please."

Faith did as she was told, and then Claire beckoned her into her lap.

"Come here, darling," she crooned, enveloping her in her arms. "Mummy is so very proud of you, baby. I'll never stop saying it." She kissed her cheek, and Faith giggled. "Are you happy, Faith? Hm?" She rocked her gently, but Faith just hummed and traced patterns on Claire's arms with her fingertips.

"Happy, Faith?" Claire said again, remembering the thumbs-up maneuver from earlier, and employing it now. "Are you happy, love?"

Faith giggled again and grabbed Claire's thumb in her little hand.

"Faith, no..." Claire couldn't help but chuckle, as well. "See? Thumbs-up if you're happy, Faith. Happy?" She tried again with her free thumb.

Faith giggled yet again, but this time, she returned the gesture. Claire laughed out loud and brought the little fist, still holding her thumb, to her lips to cover with kisses.

"I'm happy, too, baby girl," Claire said. "Very happy."

She gave another little giggle before squirming out of Claire's arms and pattering out of the kitchen. Claire cleaned up after herself and returned to the table to continue nursing her own milkshake. Faith bounded back in with a DVD box in hand and held it expectantly up to Claire. Claire smiled and took it in her hands.

"Ah, all about animals today, hm?" She cocked an eyebrow at Faith. Tonight's choice was The Lion King. This was typical, even back in Oxfordshire. Faith would toddle up to either Claire or Frank with a DVD after dinner and expect help to get it ready, so she could watch her movie before bed. More often than not, Frank would wordlessly hand the box over to Claire instead, and after a while Faith learned to only bring it to Claire.

Claire put the DVD in as Faith went into her room, returning with her baby Simba stuffed animal to watch with. She settled onto the couch, now righted to its position in the middle of the room, centered and straightened. There were still boxes and messes, but things were slowly coming together. Claire took this opportunity while Faith was glued to the telly to get to some more boxes. She peeled the tape off a particularly heavy box, and smiled to herself at the sight of the picture frames inside, covered in bubble wrap. She moved behind the couch to the long table pushed against it, exactly where she'd planned to put said pictures. She unwrapped them all lovingly and arranged them on the table: an infant Faith fast asleep like a little angel on Claire's shoulder; Faith in the photo studio with a large, plastic number "1" for her first birthday; Claire holding Faith on a carousel, smiling like a fool at her toddler aged daughter; Faith, two-and-a-half, grabbing at Frank's cheeks and laughing her head off.

Christ.

Claire froze, a hard lump forming in her throat as the opening chords to "Circle of Life" filled her ears. What was she supposed to do with this? Why had she even packed it? Well, that was easy enough: Faith looked simply darling. But...

She ran trembling fingers over both of their faces behind the glass, sighing with a shudder. 

Oh, Frank...How happy we once were.

Indecisive, Claire put the frame back in the box, reaching for another to unwrap: Faith mid-bite of a chocolate-chip pancake at the breakfast table. The older she got, the less complacent she'd been for photo opportunities, so Claire had to content herself with capturing candid, silly moments like this, and she honestly would not have had it any other way. She stood it up next to the carousel shot and reached for another.

God damn it.

Claire holding Faith at the church the day of her christening, Frank's arm wrapped around Claire's shoulders, smiling proudly.

Fuck you.

Claire pressed the frame face-down into the table, biting her bottom lip to stifle a sob. How dare he stand there, looking so proud of the family that he would so quickly discard? How dare he let that little girl touch his face like that, how dare he smile at her so brightly, lead her to believe he'd always be there?

Her fingers trembled as they hovered over the keypad of numbers. Was it worth it? Couldn't she just put Faith on the plane and change her number, disappear forever?

She supposed that might not exactly be legal, no matter the terms on which Frank had left the house two weeks ago.

She somehow found the nerve to finish dialing the number and bring the phone to her ear.

"Hello?"

She gulped. "Hello, Frank."

"Hello, Claire."

She cleared her throat. "I'm...I'm taking Faith to the states. And I don't think you have any right to try and stop me."

"I shouldn't think I do."

She shuddered with hatred at his indifference; though she'd expected as much, it didn't sting any less. "Alright. Good. I don't want anything from you, Frank. I am perfectly capable of taking care of her basic needs on my residency salary."

"Alright."

"But there's one thing. It's the least you can do. For the love you once bore me."

"I did not stop loving you, Claire."

"Oh, yes, you did," Claire spat. 

“Claire — ”

“No, that’s enough,” she said, firmly. “Listen. I want nothing from you but the exact amount a certain therapy will cost. It’s expensive, but the doctor thinks it can really help Faith. I’m asking nothing else of you, Frank. Just around six thousand a year, broken up monthly, to pay for the therapy.”

Claire knew she likely could afford the therapy, but things would be tight. Rent on Long Island was not cheap by any means; neither was the general cost of living there, and neither was the kind of babysitter with the qualifications necessary for taking care of someone with Faith’s needs. Not to mention she wanted to start setting money aside for a service dog, which would be an enormous investment in and of itself, but one that would certainly be worth it if it would make it easier for them to be in public places. The extra money from Frank would be worth it, no matter how sick to her stomach it made her to ask it of him.

“What sort of therapy costs that much?”

“Equine therapy.”

He scoffed. “You really believe — ”

“Yes. I do.” She had to clench her teeth and take a very deep breath through her nose to stop herself from attacking again. “Will you pay for it or not? As the man who sired her, who owes her something? Will you?”

A slight pause, then he sighed. “Fine. I don’t care how much it is, I just don’t want to deal with it.”

Claire almost choked on the expletives she swallowed. “I understand. I’ve already set aside a separate bank account for you to make deposits.” She read him the account number and the routing number, along with exact amounts needed each month.

“All you need to do is make the deposits every month. And you’ll never hear from us again.”

He sighed again. “Claire…If I could change things…”

Claire almost fell for it…but she knew what he meant.

He did not mean: “If I could change my behavior, the things I said.” He meant: “If I could change what our daughter is.”

And it made her sick.

“Goodbye, Frank.”

Faith’s humming and rocking brought Claire back to Earth. She looked up from the box to see Faith holding her stuffed Simba in the air, mirroring Rafiki on the screen doing just that. Claire chuckled to herself and swallowed any remaining urge to cry. Claire put the christening picture back in the box, deciding that she’d make a decision on what to do with it later. Perhaps she could try her hand at scissors, combine the two pictures in one frame. It would certainly be satisfying to literally cut him out of those moments in Faith’s life.

But on the other hand…was that cruel? Would Faith someday learn to verbally or otherwise communicate the question: Where did Daddy go? Should she keep these pictures intact for that purpose? What Claire would want to say in response to such a question would be that Faith did not have a Daddy and that she didn’t need one. But perhaps that was doing her an injustice.

Claire reached for another picture.

Yes…that was something that could wait to be decided on.

Claire had made a considerable dent in her unpacking venture by the time Faith’s movie finished, and she was altogether quite satisfied with her work.

“What do you think of that, Faith?” Claire sighed contentedly as she removed the DVD from the player and put it back in the box. “Your disorganized-as-all-get-out Mummy is actually getting somewhere with her organizing.” Faith slid off the couch to take the box from her so she could put it back where she found it. “Isn’t that a marvel?”

Claire watched with piqued interest as Faith sat on her knees in front of the little entertainment center, the cupboard beneath the telly opened for her inspection. Faith had a system, some sort of arrangement of her movies that she always abided by. Not a single movie was ever out of place. Claire could not for the life of her decipherer what the system was; it was something created and used only by Faith. Claire had unpacked all their movies and put them inside, only for Faith to gut the entire thing and arrange them herself. It had greatly amused Claire at the time. She’d been at it for hours.

It didn’t take long for her to return The Lion King to its apparent correct position, and then Faith shut the cupboard.

“Alright, lovie. Time to brush your teeth.”

Claire stood and led Faith into the bathroom. Claire lifted her up onto the counter to sit and Claire got to work brushing her own teeth first. Faith had not yet mastered the coordination of tooth-brushing, and Claire still did it for her every night. But her psychiatrist had said that if Faith watched her mother do it enough times, something might strike a chord one day, and she’d suddenly be an expert at dental hygiene. Apparently, Doctor Garner had seen this happen plenty of times before.

So Claire brushed, tilting her head slightly toward Faith as usual, and then moving on to brush Faith’s teeth. When she finished, Claire handed her one of the little paper cups they kept in the bathroom.

"Rinse and spit," she crooned, as she did every night.

Routine was everything to Faith, and Claire had even begun clinging to the lifeline that was knowing every next move for every day. It soothed Faith's ever present anxiety and gave her expectations for every day, and it kept Claire grounded in the reality of their lives. This was why she'd been so scared to move. Moving to the house next door to them in Oxfordshire would have been a big enough change to merit Faith's discomfort, let alone moving across an ocean to a completely different style of living. There'd certainly been an adjustment period for her routine-conditioned little girl, but it hadn't been nearly as long or as difficult as Claire had anticipated.

Doctor Garner had suggested that no matter how disorienting things were when they'd arrived at the new apartment, the sooner Claire could reestablish that same routine that Faith had been accustomed to in Oxfordshire, the better. It was the reason she'd had furniture sent to the apartment before they'd even arrived. The sooner Faith could associate the new home with the commonplace furniture, the sooner she'd begin to realize this was home now. And all that, combined with maintaining their old routines in a new place was actually working quite well.

Teeth brushed and pajamas on, Claire tucked Faith into her bed. Faith's brand new princess comforter had arrived on Wednesday, and Faith was over the moon. Claire hadn't yet had a problem getting her to sleep since they'd put it on the bed. Claire filled the medicine dropper from the liquid Risperdal bottle, and Faith dutifully opened her mouth to let Claire drop it in, her face screwing up in the usual disgust to taste the bitter liquid.

"Swallow, please," Claire said, cocking an eyebrow. Faith grimaced, but obeyed. "Good girl."

Claire knew full well that Faith hated the taste of her medicine; it had been an utter nightmare to get her to take it every night at first. She'd had to bribe her with a Smartie every time she took it. Claire had a little stash of M&Ms (apparently the American equivalent) just in case Faith was ever particularly stubborn.

Claire set the medicine aside on the nightstand and tucked Horsie (who had been properly cleaned and disinfected after being dropped in the dirt in the stable) under her arm.

"There's Horsie, darling. So you can dream of all the horses you saw today, like Pippi." She leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Goodnight, love. Today was a very, very good day."

Faith smiled a toothy grin as Claire rose to turn on the nightlight. She stopped at the door to flicker off the main light and take one last look at her daughter, savoring the contentment settling in her chest and warming her from the inside out before shutting the door.

——

 The next few days were not as smooth sailing.

Jamie had been quite right when he’d predicted the riding helmet would bother Faith. Since Mrs. Lickett only came by on weekdays, Claire decided it was as good a time as ever to give the helmet a try. After breakfast, Claire sat Faith on the couch and retrieved the helmet and Horsie.

“Alright, little girl.” She sat down, horse and helmet in hand. “Mister Jamie gave us this helmet. See?” She held it up to Faith. “Mister Jamie said you can’t ride Pippi unless you learn to wear the helmet.” She held both the horse and the helmet in front of Faith. “See? Horsie and helmet have to go together. Yes?”

Faith hummed happily and reached for Horsie. 

“Alright…let’s see…” Claire carefully attempted to lower the helmet onto Faith’s head, but her face immediately darkened and she groaned in annoyance, averting her head.

“It’s okay, baby, it’s just a little hat. Come on, now…”

She groaned again, louder, shoving the helmet away with both of her hands.

“Wait,” Claire said quickly. “Wait here, Faith.”

Claire scrambled into her bedroom and into her closet, tearing through its contents, throwing things behind her until she found what she was looking for. A plain blue visor that she hadn’t worn in years, but kept around just in case.

“Here, Faith, look.” Claire returned to the couch and sat down. She put the visor on her own head. “See? A hat.” Faith stared at her blankly. Claire smiled and took off the visor, plopping it onto Faith’s curly head. “See?”

Faith giggled, and Claire felt a renewed sense of hope. She took the helmet back in her hands and placed it precariously atop her head. “See? It’s just a hat. It doesn’t fit Mummy’s big head, though. It was made just for you.”

Claire playfully swiped the visor off Faith's head and replaced it with the helmet, and she did not squirm away.

Claire gasped with contrived shock. "Look at you!" she gushed. Faith was beaming. "What a lovely hat, Faith!"

She hummed and bounced, and Claire laughed.

Victory!

And that was when she made her fatal mistake. She got cocky.

"Now let's just fasten it, and then you're properly wearing your new hat, yes?" Claire reached for the chin strap and fastened it. "There! All ready to ride!"

Faith's entire demeanor changed, her little brow furrowing. She reached for the chinstrap and tucked her fingers underneath, starting to tug.

"It's okay, darling."

Faith began groaning.

"Hey, it's okay, Faith." Claire, having prepared for exactly this, reached for the yellow stress ball from the stables on the coffee table. "Faith, here, love. It's okay." She put the ball in one of her hands, but Faith did not latch on. She let it fall to the ground, not removing her fingers from beneath the chin strap. Dread settled into the pit of her stomach.

“Faith…” Claire stooped down to retrieve the ball, then realized it had rolled halfway across the room. She got up from the couch to pick it up, and when she turned around, Faith was tugging forcefully on the helmet, the chin strap digging into her throat.

“Faith!” Claire dropped the ball again and practically leapt back onto the couch. “Stop!”

Fingers trembling, Claire frantically fumbled with the clasp of the chin strap, desperately trying to stop her daughter from choking herself. The second she was free, Faith gave a loud wail and hurled the helmet across the room, causing Claire to jump back in shock.

Claire was too stunned to scold her right away, her medical degree kicking into full gear as she examined her neck and throat for any marks, listened to see if her breathing was normal. Once she was certain everything was alright, Claire firmly seized one of her wrists.

“We do not throw things, Faith.” Faith began squirming, pawing at her mother’s hand. “Faith, look at me, please. I need you to look at my eyes, Faith.”

She gave a loud wail and a particularly hard yank.

“We do not throw things. Do you hear me, young lady?”

A sharp pain suddenly stuck itself into Claire’s hand, and she cried out. She immediately released Faith’s wrist and recoiled her hand into herself.

She bloody bit me.

Faith wriggled off the couch and bolted for the front door. She started tugging on the handle, determined to open the door and get as far away as her little legs would carry. Claire knew she’d really do it, too, if the door wasn’t locked.

Claire briefly sucked at the blood that started slowly trickling from her hand and then strode to the front door.

“You’re not going anywhere, little girl.” She scooped Faith around the torso with one arm and carried her, kicking and screaming into her bedroom to deposit her on the bed.

“Listen to me, Faith. If you do not calm down this instant you’ll not have any dessert tonight. Do you hear me?”

Faith shrieked. She’d certainly heard.

“I’m going to count to ten! If I get to ten and you’ve not stopped crying, no dessert.”

Claire hadn’t even gotten to three when Faith started throwing her stuffed animals in her direction. Claire continued counting calmly, knowing full well that the cotton toys would not hurt her. It was only when she reached for the lamp on her nightstand that she stopped at seven, lurching forward to stop her.

“No!” Claire shouted. Faith immediately released the lamp and clamped her hands over her ears, and a horrible, searing guilt burned her gut. 

“Faith, baby, I’m sorry…I’m sorry, darling…” Claire sat down on the bed beside her and made to wrap her arms around her daughter, but she hesitated. Would she bite again, or punch, or kick?

Claire felt shameful tears stinging her eyes. Was she no better than Frank, raising her voice at her audio-sensitive daughter when she was being slightly difficult?

She shouldn’t have fastened the chin strap. She should have just let her get used to the helmet itself first. She maybe should have even waited for Mrs. Lickett to try the chinstrap. And now, because of her carelessness, she’d triggered her daughter’s biggest anxiety, and the poor girl was screaming her little head off, red in the face, because of her own mother.

Claire noticed, almost too late, that her hand was about to bleed on Faith’s brand new comforter. She hissed a frustrated “fuck” under her breath and quickly made her way to the bathroom to tend to it. She hastily wrapped some gauze around it and made her way back into Faith’s room to find her in the exact same position, hands on her ears, screaming. Claire sighed in defeat and quickly wiped her eyes clear of the tears that threatened to spill over. Perhaps it would be best if she just left her for now. There was no telling if she’d do something violent again if Claire tried to comfort her, and there was no consoling her otherwise. Claire decided to remove the lamp and anything else heavy that she could throw before leaving the room and shutting the door behind her.

Only when the door was shut did Claire finally allow herself to cry.

She didn’t care that Faith could have broken a lamp and shattered a lightbulb on the new wood floors; she didn’t even care that her own daughter had drawn blood from her with her teeth. What hurt worse than that was knowing that her little girl was in turmoil because of triggers that her own mother couldn’t understand, couldn’t make better, things that Faith was not able to communicate to her or to anyone. And to make matters worse, she couldn’t even comfort her. When she was a baby, before she was symptomatic, all Claire had to do was scoop her out of her crib and rock her, bounce her, sing to her, and all her anxieties would cease, her crying would stop. But now, the older Faith got, it felt like Claire was less and less capable of providing that comfort, that sense of security.

I’m her mother. That’s my job.

And I’m failing.

Claire dumped the contents of Faith’s room that she’d emptied onto the couch and collapsed next to them, letting her tears fall freely. Somewhere in her fevered brain, she had the sense to pick up her phone from the coffee table and text Gillian. She typed: “Hey, could I call you right now?” then quickly backspaced and tried again: “Hey, are you busy right now?” She hit send, and then frantically added in a second message: “No emergency. Just miss you and want to hear your voice.”

After she hit send the second time, she let her phone rest in her lap and rested her head back on the couch cushion. Leaving Gillian had been the hardest part of leaving England. She’d been Claire’s best friend all throughout college and medical school. They’d decided to be roommates sophomore year after meeting in the pre-med program, and they’d never lived separately again until Claire’s wedding, at which, of course, Gillian had been the maid of honor. They were two peas in a pod, though one wouldn’t think so to see them separately. Gillian was brash and loud, and delightfully inappropriate more often than not. Gillian liked to say that Claire was the odd one out, that she was much too proper.

Gillian had been there for Claire after Faith’s diagnosis when Frank had not. He’d muttered something about needing some air the minute they got home from the doctor, and Claire had immediately phoned Gillian, sobbing into the phone for hours.

“He’s going to leave me, he’s going to leave us…I can’t do this alone…”

Gillian scoffed. “Wi’ the way he’s acting now, I bloody hope he does leave. Feckin’ louse.”

Well, she’d gotten what she wanted.

“I never bloody liked the bastard. I knew I should ha’ said something when he proposed. God dammit.”

Gillian had been the one to assure her that she was a good mother, that Faith’s triggers were not her fault, that she was doing the best she could.

Claire just needed to hear that right now.

As expected, Claire’s phone buzzed shortly after. She picked it up, expecting it to be a text in response, but Gillian was already calling her. Claire smiled to herself and sniffled.

“Hello?” she said, already embarrassed at how snuffly she sounded.

Gillian was quiet for a moment, then said: “Oh, is that wee Faith?”

Apparently, her shrieks were loud enough to be heard across the ocean. Claire sighed. “Yup.”

“She’s having one of her meltdowns, and ye’re all upset and feelin’ like you failed her, aye? That ye made the wrong decisions?”

Claire’s eyes quickly welled up again. “Yes,” she croaked.

“Oh, Claire. Ye ken that lass thinks ye’re a bloody queen, don’t ye? She worships ye.”

“When she’s not biting me. Or throwing things at me.”

“Och, biting again, aye? Well…ye ken that’s the autism. That’s no’ yer wee Faith. She canna help it when it takes over.”

“I know. I just…”

“She loves ye, Claire. I’ve seen it wi’ my own eyes. And I ken that she knows how fiercely ye love her. The autism just makes it hard fer her to see sometimes, aye?”

Claire breathed shakily. “I know you’re right. I mean…I know all this already. It just…”

“I ken. Ye need the reassurance. ’Specially since the Sperm Donor hasnae given ye any such thing his whole miserable life.”

Despite the pain that that fact caused, Claire could not help but smirk at Gillian’s newest term of endearment for the man who sired Faith. “Right.”

“Must be hard over there, all alone.” Claire could hear the twinge of sadness in her voice.

“I miss you, too, Gi.”

“I’m counting down the days ’till Christmas. Canna wait to see my two favorite lasses.”

Claire smiled. “And I can’t wait to see my best friend, and my daughter’s Godmother.”

“I’ve got to run, I had to sneak into a supply closet to call ye. I’m in the middle of a shift — ”

“Gillian,” Claire admonished. “You shouldn’t be doing that — ”

“Nothing more important than making sure my girls are okay. Aye?”

Claire sighed and rolled her eyes, but her smile widened.

“I hear she’s still carrying on, but just let her get it out of her wee system. She’ll be back to her humming and her movies soon enough. Just wait it out. Ye ken.”

“Yeah…I know.”

“I love ye, Claire. And I miss ye. Hang in there. I’ll call ye again sometime this week when I’m no’ in the middle of a shift. I wanna hear all about this Long Island of yers.”

Claire chuckled. “Alright. I eagerly await.”

“G’bye.”

“Bye, Gi. Thank you. Love you.”

“Quite welcome.”

She hung up, and Claire dropped her phone in her lap again. Faith was going to be inconsolable for at least another half hour, and Claire didn’t think she could bear just sitting there and listening. She didn’t turn on the telly or any music, lest she miss a suspicious noise or not hear that she stopped crying, but she did get to work sorting through a few more boxes. On her way over to a particular stack, she tripped over something. She looked down to see the riding helmet. Claire grimaced and gave it a strong kick, sending it rolling under the coffee table. She almost laughed: she’d only just admonished her daughter for doing almost the exact same thing.

“Bloody fucking helmet bastard piece of shit…”

She dissolved into an incoherent string of expletives, grateful that Faith, nor anyone else, could hear her.

[angelofthequeers]

From the Liar’s Mouth

Disclaimer: I don’t own ML.

Summary: “If you want to take down Lila, you have to play the long game,” Kagami says. “That means winning over your classmates. You’ve tried the direct approach and where has that gotten you?”

Who would've thought that Kagami's advice would not only let Marinette tolerate Lila's existence, but also land her both a boyfriend and a girlfriend?

AO3 link

“…and I just don’t get how Mr Damocles could believe her like that!” Marinette waves her hands around, nearly spilling her orange juice all over the table. “A condition that makes her lie? There’s no such thing! And I don’t want to go into “you need official proof of your disability to be believed” territory, but with as many conditions as she says she has? Why hasn’t anyone called her mother and asked for everything they should know to accommodate her? Especially when I needed, like, ten pieces of paper just to prove to them that I’m autistic!”

Across from her, Kagami just smiles and takes a sip of juice. Why is Kagami smiling at a time like this? This is a disaster! Lila gets off scot-free, with an even more iron-clad excuse for lying, and Adrien is Kagami’s friend too, right? Why isn’t Kagami worried for him?

“How can you smile when she’s just gotten away with it again?” Marinette bursts out. “Especially after how she hurt you with that picture of her kissing Adrien?”

“I’m going to choose to take your statement as worry for me after what Lila did to me and not an accusation, since I know you meant the former,” Kagami says rather calmly. “And if you would stop allowing your contempt for Lila to cloud you, you would see that she’s just handed you victory on a silver platter.”

“Me? She’s the one who gets to lie about everything!” Marinette says.

“Exactly,” Kagami says. “She supposedly has a condition that makes her lie uncontrollably. You have an admission that she’s a liar from the horse’s mouth. How long will it take before people start to doubt her word? And they will hear about her condition. Mr Damocles will have to inform Ms Bustier, so there’s no chance that the rest of the class won’t find out.”

“And if Lila somehow manages to keep it from them?” Marinette says. Kagami’s smile widens into something that a predator might give their prey before going for the jugular.

“Whether or not she keeps it from them, she’s backed herself into a corner,” Kagami says. “Now is the time for calmness, Marinette. Fall back and strategise. First of all, you have to ingratiate yourself with your classmates again.”

“Ingratiate myself with them?” Marinette scowls and takes a violent swig of juice. “After they doubted me and shoved me to the back and – and treated me like –”

“If you want to take down Lila, you have to play the long game,” Kagami says. “That means winning over your classmates. You’ve tried the direct approach and where has that gotten you?”

“I know, I know,” Marinette sighs. “Just…all that’s necessary for evil to triumph is that good people do nothing.”

“You won’t be doing nothing,” Kagami says. “Doing nothing would involve shrugging and writing your classmates off as a lost cause, allowing Lila to have them. That’s not what you’re doing. You’re falling back and searching for another angle of attack, just as Ladybug and Chat Noir would temporarily retreat from a battle to find another way to attack the akuma. To achieve your ultimate goal, sometimes you have to accept a few losses.”

Marinette stares. How…how has she never thought of it that way? “God, why didn’t I talk to you before?” she says. Kagami’s lips twitch.

“Because we weren’t friends before,” she says. “Now, here’s the plan to take Lila down. I do warn you, though, it involves playing nice with her.”

With a groan, Marinette thumps her head on the table. “It’s not like I can do anything else,” she mumbles into the wood. “Fine. What’s the plan, Kagami?”

.

“Alright,” Marinette sighs, staring at the school building looming over her like a gigantic akuma. “You can do this.”

“It’s okay to be nervous!” Tikki says. “After being expelled yesterday, I’d feel nervous about facing my classmates too!”

“It’s not just that,” Marinette says. “I…have to be nice to Lila. I have to sit there and let her lie and just smile along with it!”

“Well, Kagami did have a point,” Tikki says. “The direct approach isn’t getting you anywhere. All you can really do now is let her lie herself into a corner.”

“Which is what Adrien told me to do. Bet he didn’t think I’d get expelled over it.”

“Adrien didn’t think she was much of a threat. You’re coming from a completely different angle, Marinette! You’re taking the active approach to letting her hang herself.”

“True…” Marinette squares her shoulders and marches through the school gates. “I can do this! I’m strong! I’m confident! I’m Marinette!”

“That’s the spirit!” Tikki cheers.

Marinette’s burst of confidence lasts right until she’s outside the classroom door, where Lila’s holding court with her loud lies about hanging out with Clara Nightingale or something like that. She gulps and clenches her fists. Nope. She can’t do this. She can’t face them. She can’t stand there and look at Lila’s smug little smirk and feel like she’s letting Lila get away with this –

Something bats against her thigh. It’s Tikki, still inside her purse, who looks up and gives her a reassuring little smile. Marinette swallows, then nods and pushes the classroom door open. Almost as though she’s walking to the gallows, every single classmate falls silent and turns to stare at her.

Fantastic. Everyday Ladybug, her arse.

“Oh, Marinette!” Lila clasps her hands to her chest. “I’m so happy to see you’re back! I’m so awfully sorry, I didn’t mean to get you expelled!”

“It wasn’t your fault, Lila!” Kim says. “You can’t help your condition!”

Ah. So, Lila has told them about her supposed condition. That makes Marinette’s job a lot easier. She pastes on a smile and tilts her head.

“I’m so sorry, Lila,” she forces herself to chirp. “I had no idea about your condition! I just really hate liars, see, and I saw you as a threat to my friends, and I’m so used to protecting them from Chloé. If I’d known that you couldn’t help it…”

“Wow, thanks,” Chloé drawls. Something flashes in Lila’s eyes, too fast for anyone else to see.

“You were just worried for us?” Rose rushes over and throws her arms around Marinette. “Oh, that’s so sweet of you, Marinette! It’s so good that you’re apologising!”

“Yes, Marinette, thank you for your apology,” Lila says with a tight-lipped smile. “I completely understand your reaction. And it’s so noble that you were just trying to protect your friends.”

With that, something in the atmosphere seems to shift, like Lila’s welcomed Marinette into the fold and her classmates have once again accepted her. It takes every little shred of willpower to keep smiling and not go on the attack, but Marinette forces herself to take her seat and listen to Alya’s speech about coming to her senses and pushing her jealousy aside.

God, this sucks.

.

“…and she said, “Oh, Lila, I simply must make up a music video about you! You have to be in it!” But you guys know me, I simply can’t bear the attention –”

“That must have been so hard for you, Lila!” Marinette says. It’s been a week of this, a week of pretending that Lila’s a saint, and god, if she wasn’t doing this to avenge Kagami for the Oni-chan thing just as much as for herself, she’d have lost her shit by now. “After the song that Jagged Stone wrote about you, it must have been so tempting to let Clara Nightingale make a music video about you!”

“Oh, yes!” Max says. “You did mention that Jagged Stone had written a song about you, Lila!”

“Can’t hate attention that much, then,” Chloé scoffs. Although she cops a few glares, there are also a few quizzical looks aimed at Lila.

“Oh – well, a song is so different to a music video!” Lila says.

“Not really?” Nino says. “They’re both songs, dude. One’s just got visuals.”

“And Nino would know,” Marinette says. “He’s the best DJ and filmmaker around!”

“Dude!” Nino reaches back to fist-bump her. Next to him, Adrien’s watching Marinette with a furrowed brow, like he’s trying to figure out why Marinette’s been so chummy with her mortal enemy for the past week. But she’s not confiding in him after that photoshoot. She’s telling no one. No one apart from Kagami. The last thing she needs is for Lila to get wind of what’s going on, if she doesn’t already suspect it.

“Well…it just felt odd, you know?” Lila says. “Jagged wrote that song because I saved his kitten, but I haven’t really done anything for Clara!”

The class seems to accept that. But Marinette doesn’t miss how a few of them, like Nathaniel and Alix, stare at Lila with frowns even after Ms Bustier arrives and calls the class to order.

“Hey, Marinette, can I talk to you real quick?” Adrien says once class is over and they’re filing out. Marinette forces herself to smile.

“Sure!” she says. She hasn’t really spoken to Adrien since the photoshoot he’d done with Lila, more for his sake so that she doesn’t explode about colluding with the enemy, but maybe it’s time to clear the air between them and just…get it all out there. Keenly aware of Lila’s scorching glare on the back of her neck, she follows Adrien out of Ms Bustier’s classroom and to the locker room, which is thankfully empty since it’s lunchtime.

“Do you…believe Lila about her condition?” Adrien says once the locker room door is shut and they’re separated from the rest of the school. Marinette scoffs.

“Of course I don’t,” she says. “But Kagami told me –”

“Kagami? You’re friends with Kagami?”

Marinette stares. “Yeah…though I don’t know what that’s got to do with this.”

“Nothing. I just…always got the impression that you didn’t like each other.”

“Not at first. But we sorted it out. Anyway, she told me that I have to play along with Lila’s condition, make myself look innocent, and Lila will eventually lie herself into a corner.”

“Which is what I said when she got back here, didn’t I?” Adrien says. Marinette raises an eyebrow.

“No,” she says. “You said to just let her be. Kagami told me to push her into lying herself into something she can’t escape while being all nice about it.”

Adrien winces. “Right. Marinette…I’m really sorry. I thought Lila was just an attention seeker. If I’d known she was that dangerous…I shouldn’t have let you get expelled before doing anything.”

“Like having a photoshoot with her?” Marinette says. Her eyes widen seconds after those words slip out. “S-Sorry! I’m sorry! That was really rude –”

“No, no, you’ve got every right to feel hurt,” Adrien says. “I didn’t know what to say before, or I would’ve come to you days ago. I didn’t want to be in that photoshoot with her. I only agreed so that she’d tell another lie to get you un-expelled.”

“You –” Marinette’s eyes widen. Everything makes sense now! Why else would Lila care about undoing her damage? “That was you? You sold your soul for me?”

“Of course I did.” Adrien crosses his arms. “You’re my friend. And if I’d done something before now, you wouldn’t have been expelled. Or nearly akumatised!”

“Adrien –”

“Do you know how terrifying it was to see you with that Hawkmoth mask over your face?” Adrien’s green eyes seem to plead with her very soul to understand. “To watch our everyday Ladybug nearly get akumatised? You’re so – so strong, Marinette. You always manage to stay positive and figure out a solution to the problem. Seeing you about to give in to Hawkmoth…it didn’t hit me until then just how bad this Lila problem was.”

Her cheeks flaming with the blood that pours into them, Marinette looks down at the floor and tries to form a coherent sentence, both in her mind and out loud. But what comes out of her mouth is something that vaguely sounds like a strangled groan; certainly nothing resembling words.

“So long as Lila leaves you alone, I’ll put up with her,” Adrien says. “Think of it as my contribution to yours and Kagami’s plan. The inside man, right?” Then he winks. Dear god, how is Marinette still alive?

“I – um – you shouldn’t – it’s your body!” she manages to babble. Adrien’s volunteering to do this for her? “You shouldn’t have to put up with someone treating you like a living mannequin!”

“She’s going to do that anyway,” Adrien says. “Remember what happens whenever we call her out? I might as well make use of it. It’s the least I can do for letting it get this far.”

“Um – uh – if sure you – if you’re sure!” Marinette forces out. She clears her throat and straightens up. “But you have to detox with me and Kagami. If that won’t hurt your plan, of course…”

“It won’t,” Adrien says. He rests a hand on her shoulder and yep, Marinette is deceased right now. “Lila can’t stop me from hanging out with my friends. And the odd photoshoot here and there will keep her happy. All she wants is attention, so if I give it to her, she won’t see you coming.” With another wink as he slides his arm around her, he says, “I’ll be the Chat Noir to your Ladybug.”

Marinette groans and shoves him. “You’d better not pun like he does or I’m tattling to Kagami.”

“I make no pawmises,” Adrien says with a grin that makes him look scarily like Chat Noir.

“Nope. That’s it. Get out. I can’t be seen with you.”

.

“You know, I never thought you two would actually get along,” Adrien says. “What exactly were you two fighting about?”

“Oh, you know,” Kagami shrugs. “How we were both crushing on you and thought the other was the spawn of Satan.”

Marinette chokes on her mouthful of André’s mint and raspberry ice cream (why raspberry? Last time it had been peach. Oh, well). How can Kagami just…up and say that? Doesn’t she have any shame?

“Oh, is that all?” Adrien laughs and licks his strawberry choc-chip and blackberry ice cream. “I thought it was something serious.”

“We eventually figured out that we were just a couple of idiots and it wasn’t worth fighting over a boy!” Marinette says in a high-pitched voice. Well, Kagami’s outed her, so she may as well roll with it. Although for some reason, she’s not mad at Kagami like she’d be if Alya just went up and told Adrien about her crush; probably because Kagami had as much to lose as her if Adrien took it the wrong way. And Kagami might not even have realised that you shouldn’t just up and tell your crush that you like them, considering her previous lack of social skills every other time Marinette’s talked to her.

“Good,” Adrien says. “I hate it when my friends are fighting.”

The tension in Marinette’s shoulders starts to melt away like ice cream on a hot day. So…Adrien doesn’t hate her for crushing on him. He’s not even making a big deal out of it. That’s…actually a relief.

“So, um…” Marinette forces out. “Are anyone you crush, Adrien? I mean – are you crushing on anyone?”

Adrien stares at her, then laughs. “Is that why you act weird around me? Thank god. I was worried that you still secretly hated me for the gum thing.”

“No! Never!” Marinette shakes her head wildly.

“Sorry, the gum thing?” Kagami says.

“Chloé put gum on her seat on my first day and she thought I’d done it because I tried to take it off,” Adrien says. “I managed to catch her after school and explain the misunderstanding but…I thought she still hated me for it and was just putting up with me.”

“Try the exact opposite,” Marinette groans. Her face must be just as scarlet as Adrien’s ice cream at this point, but she’s not dying or being horrifically rejected, so that’s something at least. “You gave me your umbrella and boom, it was…l-love at first sight.”

Kagami actually laughs long and loud at that, even throwing her head back. It’s so unlike her that both Marinette and Adrien are rendered silent as they stare at her in awe.

“Um…wow,” Marinette eventually says. “Have you checked her ice cream for drugs or something?”

Kagami hiccups and shakily licks her scoop of bright pink dragonfruit ice cream that’s neatly cushioning the same mint as Marinette’s. What that could mean, Marinette has no idea.

“There must be an akuma around,” Adrien says.

“You’re both awful,” Kagami says, her shoulders shaking with the last of her laughter. “And you’re both oblivious. So, Adrien, who is this girl you’re in love with if it’s not Marinette? I was always under the impression that Marinette was your target.”

Adrien blushes. “Don’t laugh, okay?” he says. “I’m in love with Ladybug.”

Beep. Beep. Marinette.exe has crashed. Adrien’s…in love with her? But not her? But yes her, he just doesn’t know it?

“Ladybug?” Kagami says. “Of course you’d fall for a superhero. Adrien Agreste can’t do anything by halves.”

“Well, she picked me to be a hero and I utterly trashed that opportunity, so I’ve probably got no chance with her,” Adrien says. “Maybe I need to focus on people a little closer to me.”

“You didn’t trash that chance,” Marinette squeaks. “You did your best every single time.”

Adrien frowns at her. “Every single time? How do you know which Miraculous Ladybug gave me? I Second Chanced every time I was out in public, so no one should’ve known.”

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckmissionabort –

“Hold on…” Also frowning, Kagami leans in so close that Marinette can count each freckle on her pale cheeks, and Marinette’s so flustered by Adrien tilting his head at her and Kagami’s breath ghosting across her face that she doesn’t realise what’s going on until Kagami’s moved her hair aside to expose her black earrings. Adrien’s frown changes into bulging eyes.

Fuck!

“Oh my god, really?” Adrien throws his free hand in the air. “Of course she’s you! Of course she’s you! How didn’t I see it before? The one girl who’s just as brave and kind as her and I didn’t even – I’m an idiot.”

“No arguments there,” Kagami says dryly. “Thank you for trusting me to be Ryuuko, by the way. And for the advice.”

Marinette’s brain has once again shut down. Two people know her secret identity. How could she be so stupid and let something like that slip? “You can’t tell anyone!” she finally manages to say. “My secret identity is vital!”

“I know,” Kagami sighs. “Hence why I can’t be Ryuuko again.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Adrien holds up his right hand to show the silver ring he’s always worn. Except…no way…could it be…it can’t…but…

“Oh my god.” Kagami pinches the bridge of her nose. “So, you’ve been in love with each other without even realising. This is like those awful soap operas that people seem to enjoy watching.”

“You and your stupid puns!” is the first thing out of Marinette’s mouth when she’s finally able to speak again. “All this time! You’re such a – such a dork!”

“I know!” Adrien looks like the cat that got the cream. “But you secretly love my puns, milady.”

That nickname coming from Adrien’s mouth? Stuff Marinette in a coffin right damn now. “As if,” she scoffs. “They’re awful.”

“Don’t you mean –”

“No!” Marinette and Kagami shout.

“– clawful?”

“I’ve changed my mind,” Marinette says. “You can have him, Kagami.”

“You claimed him first,” Kagami says. “He’s all yours.”

“How about we just forget about him and date each other?” Marinette wrinkles her nose.

“Sounds like a plan, Marinette.”

“Hey!” Adrien whines.

.

“It was so cool of you to organise this picnic for Lila, girl!” Alya says. She nudges Lila. “Right?”

Lila’s smile is thin and sour, like someone’s replaced the lemon tart on her plate with an actual lemon. “Yes, Alya. It’s very considerate of Marinette.”

“I just wanted to make up for our rough start!” Marinette says. It’s kind of funny how she’s just naturally slipped into being as sugary sweet to Lila as possible, but after seeing how it annoys Lila to no end that she can’t actually retaliate without looking bad, it’s gotten easier over the past few weeks. Huh. She so owes Kagami a massive box of pastries for this.

“Hey, guys!” Adrien waves as he approaches with Kagami. Lila gasps and smiles brilliantly.

“Adrien! You made it to my picnic!” she says.

“Of course I did,” Adrien says and sits down next to Marinette, pulling her to lean against him. Thank god she’s been able to equate Adrien and Chat Noir in her mind since their outing to get ice cream; now, when he touches her, her cheeks only grow warm and her brain thankfully doesn’t turn to mush. “And I brought a friend, if that’s okay?”

“Lila, right?” Kagami says with a smile that’s all teeth as she also sits down and pulls Marinette’s legs into her lap. “My name is Kagami. Adrien’s told me so much about you.”

“He has?” Lila smiles at Adrien, though Marinette’s certain that she can see a wariness beneath that smile. “All good things, I hope.”

“Trust me, I’ve heard nothing but the best information from him,” Kagami says. “I’m so glad that he’s found a girlfriend he’s really close with.”

“Girlfriend?” Alya scoffs. “Lila’s just a friend. You must’ve heard wrong or something.”

“Yes, of course,” Kagami says. “Sorry for my presumption. After that photo you took with him and the photoshoots…well, I seem to have gotten the wrong idea.”

“Lila told me once that Adrien would be hers, so I don’t blame you,” Marinette says and passes Kagami a plate of macarons. Kagami eagerly selects a strawberry one.

“Oh! I meant to say that he’d be my friend!” Lila says. Marinette covers her mouth to conceal her smirk.

“Really? I’m sorry for misunderstanding!” she says. “What with your condition and all…now it makes sense. I was a little confused what you meant by that, since you can’t really own a person, and I suppose that must have added to my bad feelings.” With a sweet smile, she adds, “But we’re friends now, so no harm done!”

“Yes,” Lila says. “Friends…”

“You’re so stiff!” Marinette says to Kagami, pulling her down so that she’s snuggling against Marinette’s side. “This picnic is all about relaxing!”

“In that case…” Adrien heaves so that Marinette’s sitting in his lap, and she shuffles around to lean back against his chest so that Kagami can lie across her thighs. Now Lila looks like she’s swallowed nails, while Alya’s eyes are bulging at the sight of her ship snuggling.

“Excuse me, girl, but when did this happen?” Alya says.

“A few weeks ago,” Marinette says. “Kagami and I ended up spilling to Adrien. Now we’re all good friends!”

Yeah. Very good friends. But the others don’t need to know that, especially since Marinette and Adrien are not only going slow with figuring out what’s between them, but Marinette’s also been unable to get the memory of Kagami’s breath across her face out of her head.

Oh, well. Such is life. And if navigating the prehistoric days of having both a girlfriend and a boyfriend is currently occupying her mind more than Lila, well, Marinette counts that as a win.

“I’m so happy for you!” Lila says with a wide, plastic smile. “And a little envious, I must say. After the drama with my boyfriend in Germany –”

“Mhm,” Alya says. “Not the one in Argentina?”

“Oh – no, this is a different one –” Lila splutters. Alya just shrugs and turns to offer the croissant plate to Rose and Juleka.

Okay. So, Kagami may have been right about this one. Sure, Lila might have thought that she was giving herself a free pass with her “condition”, but now no one really takes her seriously anymore. No one hates her or anything but, well…no one really seems to believe her or care about what she says either. Probably because every word out of her mouth is about her, and people are finally starting to realise that a) she doesn’t actually talk about anything else and b) her promises still haven’t come to fruition.

It does mean that no one’s actually apologised to Marinette, but oh well. C’est la vie. At least they’re not treating her like the devil anymore. And Lila’s largely harmless now, so that’s something as well. She can’t exactly get akumatised once a week or whatever as well; not without drawing undue attention to herself, since even Chloé hasn’t been akumatised more than three times, if one counts Heroes’ Day.

“Your parents’ pastries are magical,” Kagami says, reaching for a blueberry muffin. “They could melt even my mother.”

“My father would probably demand I marry her instantly,” Adrien snorts. “Not just for the pastries, but for her talent. “Snatch her up before Audrey Bourgeois, son!” he’d say if he actually spoke to me more than once a year.” He makes a face.

“You’ll have to defeat me for Marinette’s hand,” Kagami says dryly. Adrien smirks and boops her on the nose.

“Fatality,” he says, and Marinette snorts.

“You know what?” Alya throws her hands up. “I give up. I don’t understand you weirdoes. I’m gonna go find Nino and leave you three to be…whatever you three are.”

“Bye, Alya!” Marinette, Adrien, and Kagami chorus at her back. Now they’re left with Lila, who checks to make sure that no one’s looking before snarling at them.

“What are you three up to?” she hisses.

“What do you mean?” Adrien says. “I realised that I liked both Marinette and Kagami, and they liked me too.”

“And each other,” Marinette says, running her fingers through Kagami’s silky, dark hair.

“Why are you being so nice?” Lila jabs a finger at Marinette. “You hate me! And I know Kagami does too! Adrien, you’re supposed to be my –”

“Your friend?” Adrien says. “Of course I am, Lila. I did say that before our photoshoot, didn’t I?”

Marinette smiles at Lila, sugary sweet, not even finding satisfaction in how Lila’s bottom lip juts out and quivers like she’s going to throw a fit. Maybe the Marinette of a few weeks ago would have, but now? Honestly, she just pities Lila. Marinette’s the one with a boyfriend and a girlfriend, and she and Kagami are the ones that Adrien likes. So, she reaches over to pick up the plate of macarons and holds it out to Lila.

“Want a macaron, friend?” she chirps.

[chekovsphaser]

"You're not autistic, you never showed any signs!"

Really? No signs?

"When you were a toddler it was always a fight to get you to wear anything at all. You would throw tantrums every single time." - texture sensitivity

"I always thought you would become a scientist, you always wanted to figure out exactly how everything worked" - Incapable of accepting something I didn’t completely understand

"You had to get remedial penmanship classes well into 8th grade because teachers complained about your coordination.” - poor fine motor skills

“Your report cards had excellent grades and terrible behaviour” - unaware what is appropriate in different situations

“You always got along better with either adults or children much younger than you” - difficulty socialising with peers

No signs, from the horse’s mouth

When I made lists upon lists of random things because that is what I considered entertainment

When I memorised the entire first LOTR movie and large chunks of the others. 

When I saw the whole world and all of my interactions like a first person video game

When I wandered away from class/school/football/church because I didn’t want to be there and I didn’t realise it was inappropriate to just walk away. 

When I didn’t understand why people were sad when I revealed the truth about Santa/the tooth fairy because it should be better to know the truth

When I spoke too loud every time I got excited

When I fixated on something for weeks and months and years

When people got mad at me for humming

When people got mad at me for flapping

Nope ,not a single sign. None at all. 

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 28

catch me completely ignoring dark cybertron lmao

yeahhhh so I'm just gonna skip dark cybertron bc no thanks. I did read the tf wiki articles for the issues tho, which is more than I did in the past, so at least now I kinda know what happened, though I had to suffer thru reading about dark cybertron to learn stuff about it. yikes. reading ABOUT dark cybertron further enforced my decision to not actually read thru it

anyways. the best part of dark cybertron was when chromedome threw prowl off that cliff. that was baller lmfao

a 1 page recap of dark cybertron is about all I can handle. thank you

ooh, the 6 months later smash-cut, I fucking love itttt

nautica’s here!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy I love her. also brainstorm, and I love their friendship sm

hvbjdkhfbshdfj god I love them. they have such a fun dynamic 

everyone eavesdropping on a therapy session vhbhdjkhafbhkjsdf. hipaa laws mean nothing as usual 

the casual reveal of captain megatron, oh god 

the title fucking slaps, as usual. this is one of my favorites - ‘world, shut your mouth.’ great stuff, and a song title/reference to boot! and this being part 1: towards peace...chefs kiss

and then we flash back to 6 months earlier...yknow now that I'm rereading this, mtmte has a LOT of framing devices used - there's story-within-a-story, flashback/flash-forwards, storytelling with narration, etc...I love it

god hbvhjakdfbshjkdf rodimus saying ‘magic’ and then the little *magic = science rodimus doesn't understand HBGKJHSDBFKHJSDF my idiot boy ily

rodimus roasting prowl is my fav hbfjdkafshsbjkf ‘maybe the knights can help us find a cure for your personality’ ily sm

and then prowl agreeing w/rodimus a few panels later about megatron’s guilt...

optimus...don't you think that making yourself chief of justice is...maybe a bad idea...like, maybe there's a conflict of interests here...just a little bit of bias...a bit too much history, perhaps...

the fact that all the big roles in the trial were given to high-ranking autobots who were heavily involved in the war...I see that cybertrons justice system is as much of a farce as their medical ethics and patient confidentiality laws 

the ‘you BROKE the MATRIX’ panel is so good bjhkdhfbajskhdf

rodimus: LISTEN dad I just wanna resume my space cruise with my frat bro ship I have no interest in politics

psychiatrists HATE him! local former warlord refuses to recognize the validity of psychological analyzation of people’s actions

ravage casually breaking hipaa laws and chilling in megatron’s therapy session like >:3

I love rung...he’s so good at like, passive-aggressively cutting right to the heart of someone’s issues, and he’s so generally mild that you can’t even really get mad at him 

the sudden inclusion of megatron as a major character in mtmte is kinda jarring at first - mostly, for me at least, due in part because I didn't read dark cybertron so this is like, megatron’s introduction as a relevant character in general - but I feel like jro does a great job laying a lot of intrigue down from the very beginning w/his character - like, I already want to know more about what his whole deal is, even though we have, ostensibly, seen pretty much all of his story play out already 

rung name-dropping froid...i remember that made me lose my shit bc cmon. FROID....jesus christ

rung and megatron: holy shit! we’re suddenly being drawn in a 90s-esque sci-fi tron-looking retro-futuristic style!

interesting that megatron sought rung out, and not the other way around

RIPTIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my favorite sharkboy is HERE

CREWDITIONS...YES....

‘we’re not allowed to take anyone who might remind rodimus of prowl’ vhbhjdkshfbhaskfd brutal

I love nautica so so much. a perfect autistic scientist after my own heart

I adore that nautica brought chromia along for moral support

hgvbjdakhfbhsj and then swerve saying that rodimus hates ‘trisyllabic names’ and nautica is like....but....‘rodimus’.....

and then nightbeat busts in to get all bbc sherlock on they asses hgbfhjadkfbjaskdf

WHY was perceptor at the crewditions if he was already part of the crew lmao

ooof, and then we have megatron flipping out when chromedome, a mnemosurgeon, shows up

also damn the autobots were rlly like okay so we wanna speed this trial up so lets just like, probe megatrons brain, that seems completely ethical, especially when you consider the history of shadowplay and stuff that our previous government had

I know important stuff is happening but megatron is holding a CUBE and I love CUBES so I'm distracted by that. C U B E

and then right after a scene where we see chromedome willing to perform mnemosurgery again - despite rewind’s like, dying wish for him not to - we hear that he’s been locked up in his room rewatching rewinds goodbye message over and over again :( I'm fucking depressed

I love nightbeat, he’s so funny and kind of an asshole

and then you see more missing letters behind them next panel...clearly nightbeat is right and there’s a mystery afoot...OR somebody is fucking with the ship’s lettering as a prank, which is a plot point I would absolutely buy

yeahhhh skids is right, chromedome is clearly Not dealing 

the dramatic graffiti on megatrons door...I wanna know who spray-painted ‘die’ everywhere like they're reaper overwatch

oh god. whirl vs megatron

really cool red lighting tho

GOD its so brutal, all the stuff megatron said about how he told the cons not to kill whirl...and doesn't that end up being false anyways? so he was just saying it to dig at whirl, which is awful

also I'm never over the fact that literally everyone - including megatron and whirl - blames whirl for ‘turning megatron violent,’ as if the entire Point isn't that whirl was a tool for a corrupt system, and if it wasn't whirl it would've just been someone else, and megatron turning away from pacifism was inevitable given the circumstances, AND also a choice on his part, so he really only has himself to blame for his OWN ACTIONS

bye bye whirls right arm, see you in lost light 

‘people never stop changing’ that IS something I say all the time...damn you warlord grandpa! how can you steal my philosophies?!

ohhh man and then rewind’s goodbye message being different....oooh

AUGH the fact that whirl was basically trying to goad megatron into killing him, just like he did in issue 1 w/cyclonus...It Hurts Man

also I do love the hint at who he’s talking to w/whirl shooting megatron with the bow and arrow earlier, and we know that atomizer is a fan of those

ok, but here’s where my philosophy diverges - megatron talks about throwing away his past and starting new, but I think that you have to learn from and build on your past...either way, megatron’s arc is one that I enjoy greatly from a character writing standpoint, and I'm excited to get it underway, especially w/how controversial it is lmao

big ole double-page spread...I like how you can pick out individual characters in the background crowd, which is crazy cause that's a LOT of people. also how come cosmos is so HUGE

phewwww 4.6 billion cybertronians died in the war, that’s INSANE. that's like, an incomprehensibly huge number. is there an estimate for their current population? I bet its not a lot. no wonder jro leaned into reproductive themes so much in mtmte/ll - of course the continuation of your species would be a concern for many if your numbers have been that greatly reduced

optimus w/his fancy tyrest-lookin crown

oughdajbfsbdf and the fact that megatron ALSO murdered 100 BILLION non-cybertronians...bruh. I feel like they maybe should've dialed those numbers back a little to allow his ‘redemption arc’ to run a little smoother lmao. but also I admire the commitment either way

and then we end w/megatron doing captain stuff, and seeing The Coffin...and we never did see rodimus in any of the flash-forward parts of this issue, did we???? I love how concerning that is. where's my BOY

also of course we gotta remember the warning from way back at the beginning of mtmte: ‘don't open the coffin’....

and so begins mtmte s2! man I love s2. I love mtmte in general lmao. s2 takes on the impossible w/the whole ‘megatron redemption arc’ thing, and I know that’s like, a divisive plot point and stuff, but from a writing standpoint I enjoyed it a lot...I think it was pretty much as well done as it could've been given the enormity of the task, and I thought it was a really interesting direction for the story to go in 

also espec if it’s true that hasbro was like ‘hey jro put megatron in your story and give him a redemption arc’ rather than jro like, planning/asking to do it 

anyways. I doubt ill talk much abt the disc horse(tm) here bc this is just for fun and also my own personal opinions and whatever, but I for one am excited to reexperience this stuff 

so yeah s2 off to a strong start with some wild shit already happening! cant wait to read more!